Monday, October 27, 2008

Pop Quiz

Humor me....

How well do you think you know me?

Sunday, October 26, 2008

A More Introspective Perspective

Now I know that most of my blog postings are often light-hearted, comedic, or entertaining in nature. But I thought.....hey, let's turn the lights down low this evening and share a heart to heart moment.

I have an incredibly introspective side to my personality, whose wheels are forever turning in my head no matter where I am or what I am doing. This is why it takes me at least 45 min-1 hour every night to fall asleep. Experiences, moments, thoughts.....are constantly orbiting my mind, bringing deeper or buried feelings to the surface, attempting to push insecurities and fears to the side, reliving cherished memories with loved ones. Late at night is when I find myself with a pen and paper (or in this case fingers and a keyboard) conjuring the poet within to express the emotions and thoughts I often keep tucked away during the day.

So here is something I wrote awhile back that I would like to share. It is about someone whom I ever hardly talk to or talk about with anyone anymore. However, I thought maybe we could both enjoy exposing what is beneath the band-aid. I mean, I do have to let it air out from time....


To you, who
Will never read this,
(Eyes clouded over) , I can-
not show,
Cannot describe
The day of a few flowers on my car, fuzzy
Memory that comes shooting
Back into my frontal lobe
Holding, but not
Holding hands, but not
Holding regrets
In my gut, of all
Nonstories in my past,
The one I never wrote (obviously), would go like this--

To you, who
Will most definitely read this,
We should have never let our bodies
Intertwine like vines
Vines, thick and twisted
With ripe flesh
Unable to untangle, reaching
Ever upward, growing ever
(but never) together
We should have let our bodies, find other

So now back to you, who
Will never read this,
And to me (who)
Of course wrote this,
of my
never-ending guilt,
Like being sick from too much chocolate-
Purging and wretching
The upset stomach filled with shouldhaves, couldhaves, and
(Most definitely)
Should not haves
(one single tear leaping from my eyelid)

This will be the last poem
I (will most likely) ever write,
To you, who
Will never read it.


Thrill Austin Announcements, Video, and Pictures

Um, go here:

You gotta check this out. We broke the world record!

Saturday, October 25, 2008


Well today was the big day. "Thrill the World" has officially replaced Air Guitar Competition as my favorite fun time EVER.

So I can now excitedly announce that the most badass thing I have ever done is perform "Thriller" with 880 other zombies at one time, including a breast feeding zombie who may have scarred me for life. (I mean, my zombie life.) I'm pretty sure we broke the world record. We'll know tomorrow.

And speaking of exciting news, we will be marching and performing in the Dia de Los Muertos parade down South Congress and Downtown next Saturday (Nov. 1) from 6-7pm. I believe. I'll give you more details on that as soon as I can confirm.

I am so glad that a handful of my friends joined me in this monumental moment. And to all my undead friends, thank you for allowing me to ramble constantly about this event in my life. Sometimes I get a little out of control with it all, I know, but honestly.....BRAINS is just about the most entertaining word to me right now.

Check back for video and photos!

And I definitely just finished removing leaves and dirt from my hair. I was hell bent on looking like really just rolled out of the grave.

I'd like to leave you with some clever zombie jokes we made up this morning at 10am while waiting for others to arrive:

"Is your dad a theif, cause brains."

"Knock. Knock."
"Who's there?"

"Is that a brain in your pants, or are you just excited to see me?"

Me take nap now.

Friday, October 24, 2008

This is Where You Are Going to Be Saturday.....

"Thrill the World"
Oct. 25th @ 1pm
The Long Center for Performing Arts
Austin, TX

Tomorrow, join me and oh.....about 300-500 other people who will replace their usual personalities and attire for zombie ones for a special attempt to break some world records.

We will all be performing MJ's "Thriller" on the terrace steps of the Long Center because, well, we are badass.

And you can be too if you come and witness this monumental event.

I would suggest arriving by 12:30 because parking might be a biatch and you don't want to miss the show at all!

Join us afterwards at Baby A's for lunch!

OH OH....there are also two more dance classes this evening if you are cool enough to join us. We need all the brain eaters we can get! Go here for info:



Day 4: Thurs., Oct. 23rd

Today was incredibly challenging.

I did experience one of my most pivotal "softer" moments today at work when 3 of my kids had their last day in my program. I was incredibly heartbroken about their leaving, worried about what was going to happen to them in the future as they experienced an ugly custody battle. My most tender, nurturing side prevailed today, even resulting in some private tears at my desk at the end of the day. I have never felt so much like a woman, a mother wanting desperately to provide love and protection, as I did today.

And then my social outing was with two of my best guy friends who proceeded to engage me in a conversation about balls. Granted they were the ones talking and I was simply listening, but I was an incredibly active listener ready to tell them all about the size of my private parts, until.....

I actually experienced THAT moment of drawing the line. Amazing. I have found some boundaries.

So my major reflection from today is the following: While I may lack some general feminine qualities like the ability to comfortably wear a dress, reserving my private thoughts, social grace and manners... I absolutely do not lack utmost care and concern for those in my life, a tenderness comparable to the best steak you ever ate, an ability to nurture with ease and care, and pleasure in connecting with others. And I draw the line at discussing what my lady parts look like.

So there. Take that "feminine experiment".

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Day 3: Wed., Oct. 22nd

Oh man, what a day. Of course, I was strong throughout the work day. Got off from work at 7:30 and went to meet up with a good friend.

Then we ran into a bum, who was quite I bought him a beer. Not the most ladylike thing to do, but nice (in a messed up way) nonetheless. As I was handing him the beer he actually referred to me as a nice lady. Doesn't that count for something?

Then we headed to Hole in the Wall, where I basically sat in silence while my friend and this bum talked about all kinds of dirty things. It took all I had not to join in on the conversation and my friend John knew this. The bum remarked on how quiet I was and John shared all kinds of details about how I am usually not like this AT ALL but am trying to be softer. He went to speak of my usual filthy and raunchy is actually alot of what my relationship with John is built upon. A sharing of mutual understanding.

The bum (Marvin) remarked, "You can't hide who you are. Why you gonna sit there and try to sugar coat it when you got a good thing going?"

And so, now that I have spent several hours drinking in quiet, I have had some time to reflect on my experience today. Being a lady can be quite B-O-R-I-N-G.

You're right Marvin, maybe I do have a good thing going for me. And I can't hide who I am.

Sometimes it takes running into a bum 3 times and 2 pitchers of beer to shed some light on the situation.

I am contemplating whether or not this experiment is worth continuing.....

Day 2: Tues, Oct. 21st

Success! Not one foul word, dirty phrase, or innuendo. Of course, I did go straight from work to home and stayed home all day, so there was not much temptation. But still, let's not minimize the effort it took nonetheless.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Social Experiment: Learning to be a Lady

The other day I was pondering to myself if and how I could explore my "softer" side. By softer side, I mean encourage my more feminine qualities. And by feminine I mean characteristics of stereotypical females. Now there's no need to get into a debate here about what it actually means to be feminine. For the purposes of this experiment I am defining feminine straight up like this: "qualities and behaviors judged by a particular culture to be ideally associated with or especially appropriate to women and girls". (Got that from Wikipedia folks.)

This is a selfish experiment I have taken upon myself to simply explore the softer qualities I possess....and the rougher qualities I could tone down. I should make it clear that I don't intend to change anything about my natural and true personality. I merely wish to experience what it might be like to act more ladylike--carry myself with some censorship, tone down the vulgarity, resist conversations about bodily functions and sexual positions. Maybe even dress a little more feminine, be more flirtatious and less "buddy buddy". There is a small part of me that really wishes to be seen as a lady.......when instead I am usually perceived as "one of the guys".

So on this blog, I am going to chronicle my experiment.

Let's start with Day 1, shall we?

Day 1: Mon, Oct. 20th

I did incredibly well all day resisting any urge to use curse words or sexual innuendo. The daytime is easier to accomplish this because I work with kids, and it's not like I could discuss topics like taking dumps or fetishes with them. I mean, they take some mean and messy dumps, but still.....If you were ever to witness me in action at work you would observe my incredibly caring, nurturing side. This is a side of myself which I have always felt to be most indicative of any femaleness. Miss Monica, the teacher, the caregiver, the listener, the "I can console any crying kid", the "let's learn about dinosaurs!" woman. So up until 8pm, I was golden.

And then I got on the phone with one of my most vulgar and inappropriate friends. And within 5 minutes of conversation, I caught myself in the middle of a discussion about putting things up the butt. And then I said some dirty words. And then when I realized what I had done, I cussed. He laughed at me of course, but he knows that he encourages that side of me.....and so I nicely asked him to encourage my attempt to be more ladylike (and he still laughed, but agreed.)

So then I went out to Lucky Lounge, dressed up very sexy (I took special time to pick out something) and hung out with a bunch of my guy friends. They all complemented me on how nice I looked (you know, when they say it like that because they are not used to seeing it), and a couple of them I caught staring at my boobs. And then this homeless man walks up to me and gives me a weed (which he called a "flower")....and I quietly thought to myself.....I think this long stemmed bushy weed is going to be a foreshadowing of things to come....

I suppose my first day didn't turn out as I had wished, although there were some successful moments when I caught myself saying no to joining in on conversations about nasty things. It was incredibly difficult, but I did it. On the other hand, that phone conversation kind of screwed things up in the grand scheme of things.

We'll see what Day 2 holds...

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Things People Have Said to Me (or about me) Recently...

"It's nice to finally put a face with your....lawn."
"You're such a sensitive psychic."
"We need to hang out more. You're so....interesting."
"She farts alot."
"What's up with you and Swedish chicks?"
"You're the coolest rocker chick I've ever met a show!" (a mother of my friend)
"You're crude, but not rude."
"We must be hanging out tonight because we've been taking alot of dumps recently."
"Ms. Monica, why did you change your hair?" (one of my students)
"How tall are you not?"
"Gross, yet poignant. I think that's pretty much you in a nutshell."

Friday, October 17, 2008

Wendy's is Full of Itself

Today, I visited Wendy's for the first time in months. I ordered my meal and drove up to the window. You know that first window where they are eager for you to pay them and then look all agitated you are looking for perfect change.

Then the second window where they are already sticking your sack of food out of the window before you've even driven up. The lady was rushing so fast to get it to me that she basically threw ketchup packets at my face.

And then, the kicker.

She says, "See you tomorrow!"

And I was busy trying to get myself situated since I had just been ushered out of the drive-thru that I didn't absorb this comment until I was turning out of the lot.

How can you be so confident that I will see you again tomorrow? At Wendy's?

Puhlease. I can't eat that crap every day. I need to spread my love equally--Whataburger, Sonic, Popeye's, Taco Cabana.

I can't believe that you are SO SURE Wendy's lady, that I will come back tomorrow. What if I don't? How many people do actually come back every day?

Maybe if you didn't rush me out of the drive-thru like a one-night stand, I'd want to stick around.


Wednesday, October 15, 2008

What's Up With THAT?

Here are some general questions I have for you all...things that I just don't get, or that frustrate or entertain me:

What's up with clowns?

What's up with people who ask you if they look ugly or fat?

What's up with mustaches? I mean, what kind of nasty crap would you find in one?

What's up with people who are chipper at the butt crack of dawn? Don't they know how annoying they are?

What's up with exercise? For losers.

What's up with hunting dove?

What's up with people who think they are super badass because of the car they drive? I'm sorry but unless you drive that huge tank of a truck because you haul stuff all day, then you are simply wasting space and money. Oh....and you're dumb.

What's up with covers at 21 and up bars? Don't I get a break now that I am 27?

What's up with running into the guy you lost your virginity to at YOUR freaking bar??? Leave now.

What's up with romance novels brainwashing my mind?? I mean, I'm totally into....but most likely because I am addicted.

You all have any unanswered questions you'd like to poster. Please.....let's talk about these issues.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

I Found Red Rubies in my Treasure Chest

So almost every day, I learn something new. Very rarely, is it such a gem as this. In researching the organizations that are sponsoring Thrill the World Austin, I looked up "Flash Mob Austin".

And my life will never be the same.

In a nutshell, they are an organized group that recruits pranksters to carry out random missions across the city such as "Operation Pillow Fight" and "Uber Famous".

Operation Pillow Fiiiiight from Flash Mob Austin on Vimeo.

Not only that but Flash Mob Austin is only one of many many other groups across the country who do this.

I thought that something like this only existed in my head. It's like finding a treasure chest filled with gold (aka, learning the Thriller dance) and then digging to the bottom to find it lined with bright red rubies (aka Flash Mob Austin). Stick with my metaphor here. I'm trying to make it sound like the coolest treasure you ever found. Imagine it. That's what I mean.

Thriller and Swedish Chicks

First of all, today I learned the entire "Thriller" dance. Oh sweet God above, thank you for making Michael Jackson. And thank you to whomever decided dancing zombies would make a great music video.

And if you're wondering why I took on this great feat, go here:

I am taking part in "Thrill the World", the largest organized attempt to break a Guiness Book of World Records for having the most people do the Thriller dance on the same day and time around the globe. Yes. You heard me right.

Today as I was laying on the dance floor with about 40 other people, pop zombies waking to life, I realized two great things:

1. This is probably the coolest skill I now possess.
2. How many times can I incorporate this skill into social situations?

If you follow the link above, you can find postings for more FREE upcoming dance workshops before the big event. Do it.

And watch this video if you haven't already.

And on a complete tangent, I met two rad Swedish ladies tonight. They witnessed keg stands for the first time in their lives. Look at what Americans teach foreigners. But all drinking aside, I look forward to adventures with them this week. And I am making them teach me as many inappropriate phrases as possible. Of course.

Saturday, October 11, 2008

What the Psychic Said...

1.) I am highly intuitive and should really stop ignoring my gut.
2.) There has been alot of "disappointment" in my life.
3.) I march to the beat of my own drum.
4.) I will meet a potential soulmate in 3-6 months or sooner and it might scare me but I need to be open to it and trust my instincts.
5.) I struggle with intimacy. Without fully knowing it, I can do things to sabotage a relationship with someone.

This is alot of stuff to process. And I am taking a chance by revealing all of this to you, readers. But I have recently discovered excitement in vulnerability.....because displaying vulnerability is an act of courage and taking risks, something that I have shied away from in my personal life for fear of rejection. Those of you who know me, know that I have no qualms about displaying myself in public as an entertainer or at work as a teacher. But when it comes to relationships, I don't put myself out there. I'm a big fan of "secret" love. But that's not going to get me anywhere. So lately I have been just putting myself out there, and yes it has been challenging and yes, there has been some rejection....but a huge victory for me to start moving past my wall.

The psychic (Charlotte) is an awesome lady. Contact me if you want to make an appointment to see her. She even records it all and gives you a free tape afterward so you can listen to it all over again in the privacy of your car or home.

So thanks Charlotte. You've enlightened me today.

You Can Always Count On Karaoke....

Things you can always count karaoke to do:

1.) Makes you feel embarassed for that guy who chose a song he doesn't even know the words to and yet insists on singing. Oh yeah, and the song is like 6 minutes long.

2.) Helps you make friends with other karaoke goers, knowing that you are growing a strong army for the future. And takes a load off of your other friends who are "not into that". That being karaoke, the funnest thing to do ever. And now you don't have to call them and try to convince them to come anymore because you have a posse.

3.) Reminds you of old forgotten favorites as you belt along to "Total Eclipse of the Heart" or "I've Had the Time of My Life".

4.) Starts a dance party. Now exactly what kind of dancing is going on is a little confusing. But it's a beautiful mixture of swaying, thrashing, humping, and 2-stepping all at once.

5.) Causes alot of people to drink. Alot. And the performers and songs get better. Or is it that the beer and whisky just get better?

6.) Makes it perfectly acceptable for you to sing loudly in other peoples' faces. Some you know, many whom you do not. And personally, singing loudly in peoples' faces makes me happy. Takes a load off.

7.) Um, then you lose your voice.

And when all of these things happen (because you know you can count on them happening) you know, you know my friends......

That karaoke is perhaps one of the best entertainment activities ever created.


And you can always count on the next blog post which will feature highlights from my psychic counseling session I am attending this afternoon. Ooooooo, aren't you just dying to know???? I am....

Friday, October 10, 2008

Don't Eat This

It will make you crazy. It will make people think you are crazy. It will make you want to eat another one and another one. It will give you abundant amounts of energy when you need it the least. It will possibly give you a headache. It may or may not cause sudden bursts of insanity.

There is a box of these on top of my workroom fridge. I ate one yesterday.

I'm so screwed.

I'm Baaaaack!

Yay, my blog has been removed from lock down. It's clean. It passed the test.

So obviously, we missed out on some good posting opportunities. That neat little blog week preview I made holds absolutely no merit anymore. But we will start over my friends. Bigger and better, and more outrageous and ridiculous.

Thank you all for returning to my blog.

Thank you if you are checking it out for the first time and have no clue what I am talking about.

Let's move on shall, we?

Nice to know you. Let's blog and pretend we didn't.


Saturday, October 4, 2008

Weekly Schedule

As a small teaser for potential and new readers, you can look forward to these posting all week long!

Sunday: Monica's Attempt at Astrological Forecasting
Monday: Music Video Monday
Tuesday: What I Learned from TV Today
Wednesday: Word Vomit Wednesday
Thursday: Mystery Blog!
Friday: Funny Shtuff Friday
Saturday: What the Psychic Said

Come and back and chickity check it out!

Thursday, October 2, 2008

Blog This!

Bloggety, blog, blog.

You can blog with this or you can blog with that. You can blog with this, cause this is where it's at.

I have way too many thoughts to keep them all to myself. So welcome to the place where you can learn all about what's going on in this busy brain of mine.

It usually includes thoughts of adventure, some sort of greasy food, grandeur dreams of love and relationships, and reflections of raunch and naughtiness.

So buckle up dudes. Click it or ticket in my wonderful world of blogging called "Armendazzle".