The other day I was pondering to myself if and how I could explore my "softer" side. By softer side, I mean encourage my more feminine qualities. And by feminine I mean characteristics of stereotypical females. Now there's no need to get into a debate here about what it actually means to be feminine. For the purposes of this experiment I am defining feminine straight up like this: "qualities and behaviors judged by a particular culture to be ideally associated with or especially appropriate to women and girls". (Got that from Wikipedia folks.)
This is a selfish experiment I have taken upon myself to simply explore the softer qualities I possess....and the rougher qualities I could tone down. I should make it clear that I don't intend to change anything about my natural and true personality. I merely wish to experience what it might be like to act more ladylike--carry myself with some censorship, tone down the vulgarity, resist conversations about bodily functions and sexual positions. Maybe even dress a little more feminine, be more flirtatious and less "buddy buddy". There is a small part of me that really wishes to be seen as a lady.......when instead I am usually perceived as "one of the guys".
So on this blog, I am going to chronicle my experiment.
Let's start with Day 1, shall we?
Day 1: Mon, Oct. 20th
I did incredibly well all day resisting any urge to use curse words or sexual innuendo. The daytime is easier to accomplish this because I work with kids, and it's not like I could discuss topics like taking dumps or fetishes with them. I mean, they take some mean and messy dumps, but still.....If you were ever to witness me in action at work you would observe my incredibly caring, nurturing side. This is a side of myself which I have always felt to be most indicative of any femaleness. Miss Monica, the teacher, the caregiver, the listener, the "I can console any crying kid", the "let's learn about dinosaurs!" woman. So up until 8pm, I was golden.
And then I got on the phone with one of my most vulgar and inappropriate friends. And within 5 minutes of conversation, I caught myself in the middle of a discussion about putting things up the butt. And then I said some dirty words. And then when I realized what I had done, I cussed. He laughed at me of course, but he knows that he encourages that side of me.....and so I nicely asked him to encourage my attempt to be more ladylike (and he still laughed, but agreed.)
So then I went out to Lucky Lounge, dressed up very sexy (I took special time to pick out something) and hung out with a bunch of my guy friends. They all complemented me on how nice I looked (you know, when they say it like that because they are not used to seeing it), and a couple of them I caught staring at my boobs. And then this homeless man walks up to me and gives me a weed (which he called a "flower")....and I quietly thought to myself.....I think this long stemmed bushy weed is going to be a foreshadowing of things to come....
I suppose my first day didn't turn out as I had wished, although there were some successful moments when I caught myself saying no to joining in on conversations about nasty things. It was incredibly difficult, but I did it. On the other hand, that phone conversation kind of screwed things up in the grand scheme of things.
We'll see what Day 2 holds...