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A More Introspective Perspective

Now I know that most of my blog postings are often light-hearted, comedic, or entertaining in nature. But I thought.....hey, let's turn the lights down low this evening and share a heart to heart moment.

I have an incredibly introspective side to my personality, whose wheels are forever turning in my head no matter where I am or what I am doing. This is why it takes me at least 45 min-1 hour every night to fall asleep. Experiences, moments, thoughts.....are constantly orbiting my mind, bringing deeper or buried feelings to the surface, attempting to push insecurities and fears to the side, reliving cherished memories with loved ones. Late at night is when I find myself with a pen and paper (or in this case fingers and a keyboard) conjuring the poet within to express the emotions and thoughts I often keep tucked away during the day.

So here is something I wrote awhile back that I would like to share. It is about someone whom I ever hardly talk to or talk about with anyone anymore. However, I thought maybe we could both enjoy exposing what is beneath the band-aid. I mean, I do have to let it air out from time....

*************************************************************************************

To you, who
Will never read this,
(Eyes clouded over) , I can-
not show,
Cannot describe
The day of a few flowers on my car, fuzzy
Memory that comes shooting
Back into my frontal lobe
Holding, but not
Holding hands, but not
Holding regrets
In my gut, of all
Nonstories in my past,
The one I never wrote (obviously), would go like this--

To you, who
Will most definitely read this,
We should have never let our bodies
Intertwine like vines
Vines, thick and twisted
With ripe flesh
Unable to untangle, reaching
Ever upward, growing ever
(but never) together
We should have let our bodies, find other
Bodies

So now back to you, who
Will never read this,
And to me (who)
Of course wrote this,
out
of my
never-ending guilt,
Like being sick from too much chocolate-
Purging and wretching
The upset stomach filled with shouldhaves, couldhaves, and
(Most definitely)
Should not haves
I
(one single tear leaping from my eyelid)

This will be the last poem
I (will most likely) ever write,
To you, who
Will never read it.

--9/17/07

Thrill Austin Announcements, Video, and Pictures

Um, go here: www.thrilltheworldaustin.com

You gotta check this out. We broke the world record!

Brains.

Well today was the big day. "Thrill the World" has officially replaced Air Guitar Competition as my favorite fun time EVER.

So I can now excitedly announce that the most badass thing I have ever done is perform "Thriller" with 880 other zombies at one time, including a breast feeding zombie who may have scarred me for life. (I mean, my zombie life.) I'm pretty sure we broke the world record. We'll know tomorrow.

And speaking of exciting news, we will be marching and performing in the Dia de Los Muertos parade down South Congress and Downtown next Saturday (Nov. 1) from 6-7pm. I believe. I'll give you more details on that as soon as I can confirm.

I am so glad that a handful of my friends joined me in this monumental moment. And to all my undead friends, thank you for allowing me to ramble constantly about this event in my life. Sometimes I get a little out of control with it all, I know, but honestly.....BRAINS is just about the most entertaining word to me right now.

Check back for video and photos!

And I definitely just finished removing leaves and dirt from my hair. I was hell bent on looking like really just rolled out of the grave.

I'd like to leave you with some clever zombie jokes we made up this morning at 10am while waiting for others to arrive:

"Is your dad a theif, cause brains."

"Knock. Knock."
"Who's there?"
"BRAINS!"

"Is that a brain in your pants, or are you just excited to see me?"


Me take nap now.

This is Where You Are Going to Be Saturday.....

"Thrill the World"
Oct. 25th @ 1pm
The Long Center for Performing Arts
Austin, TX

Tomorrow, join me and oh.....about 300-500 other people who will replace their usual personalities and attire for zombie ones for a special attempt to break some world records.

We will all be performing MJ's "Thriller" on the terrace steps of the Long Center because, well, we are badass.

And you can be too if you come and witness this monumental event.

I would suggest arriving by 12:30 because parking might be a biatch and you don't want to miss the show at all!

Join us afterwards at Baby A's for lunch!

OH OH....there are also two more dance classes this evening if you are cool enough to join us. We need all the brain eaters we can get! Go here for info: www.thrilltheworldaustin.com

BRAINS.

-Monica

Day 4: Thurs., Oct. 23rd

Today was incredibly challenging.

I did experience one of my most pivotal "softer" moments today at work when 3 of my kids had their last day in my program. I was incredibly heartbroken about their leaving, worried about what was going to happen to them in the future as they experienced an ugly custody battle. My most tender, nurturing side prevailed today, even resulting in some private tears at my desk at the end of the day. I have never felt so much like a woman, a mother wanting desperately to provide love and protection, as I did today.

And then my social outing was with two of my best guy friends who proceeded to engage me in a conversation about balls. Granted they were the ones talking and I was simply listening, but I was an incredibly active listener ready to tell them all about the size of my private parts, until.....

I actually experienced THAT moment of drawing the line. Amazing. I have found some boundaries.

So my major reflection from today is the following: While I may lack some general feminine qualities like the ability to comfortably wear a dress, reserving my private thoughts, social grace and manners... I absolutely do not lack utmost care and concern for those in my life, a tenderness comparable to the best steak you ever ate, an ability to nurture with ease and care, and pleasure in connecting with others. And I draw the line at discussing what my lady parts look like.

So there. Take that "feminine experiment".

Day 3: Wed., Oct. 22nd

Oh man, what a day. Of course, I was strong throughout the work day. Got off from work at 7:30 and went to meet up with a good friend.

Then we ran into a bum, who was quite friendly...so I bought him a beer. Not the most ladylike thing to do, but nice (in a messed up way) nonetheless. As I was handing him the beer he actually referred to me as a nice lady. Doesn't that count for something?

Then we headed to Hole in the Wall, where I basically sat in silence while my friend and this bum talked about all kinds of dirty things. It took all I had not to join in on the conversation and my friend John knew this. The bum remarked on how quiet I was and John shared all kinds of details about how I am usually not like this AT ALL but am trying to be softer. He went to speak of my usual filthy and raunchy nature......it is actually alot of what my relationship with John is built upon. A sharing of mutual understanding.

The bum (Marvin) remarked, "You can't hide who you are. Why you gonna sit there and try to sugar coat it when you got a good thing going?"

And so, now that I have spent several hours drinking in quiet, I have had some time to reflect on my experience today. Being a lady can be quite B-O-R-I-N-G.

You're right Marvin, maybe I do have a good thing going for me. And I can't hide who I am.

Sometimes it takes running into a bum 3 times and 2 pitchers of beer to shed some light on the situation.

I am contemplating whether or not this experiment is worth continuing.....