The OkCupid Challenge

Throughout April and May I will be hosting "The OkCupid Challenge", a special competition that encourages my friends to to help me find dates online. I've decided that I need creative ways of asking for help in finding me a boyfriend because YES, I AM THAT LONELY. And also, that's what friends are for.

Here's the skinny:

• Every two weeks, a new friend will redo my OkCupid profile to their liking, with the hopes that the profile they build gets me a high number of responses and (fingers crossed) in-person dates. 
• The creator of the profile that receives the highest number of responses will receive a free dinner to any place of their choosing.
• Any creator of any profile that lands me in person dates will receive special prizes to be announced.
• Lies and misleading information about me (or what I look like) is not allowed.

The challenge starts tomorrow! And I already have a full schedule through the end of May. :)

I've decided to use my blog to chronicle as much of this experience as possible. I've created a separate tab for this challenge that you can check out as you like. 

I will share highlights from each competitors' choice in profile, the down-low on responses I receive, and any dates that I go on.

Let the games begin! 

This is a poem about holding hands,

and how it inevitably changes everything

About how the moment you feel someone's fingers,

Curled in yours,

You are home, intertwined.

There are no more lines of this poem left to describe,

What happens when you let go.

1/25/12

MA

Outside, at a Party

He looks her in the face

(A face dewey from the mist outside)

And tells her,

"I don't love you."

But she persists,

With batting eyelashes

(Flitting with nervousness and hope)

And proudly rebuffs,

"I don't believe you."

And so they stand there,

In total silence

(The kind of silence that is brief and yet lasts forever)

And he knows she is right.

And she knows now she must leave him.

But neither can begin to end it.

So they quiet their heart's desires,

Outside, at a party

And simply say "Goodnight" instead.

-3/28/12

MA

Awake & Asleep

Here are three songs that are currently keeping my heart awake at night, and a reason to sleep to dream.

"I get so haunted, I fall in your dreams tonight
I get so haunted, That I misunderstood tonight
This is real, this is what you search out
And you wouldn't believe, you could never say it's true."

"Blow by blowI didn't see it comingBlow by blowSucker Punched
Rushes inHere to stayRushes inYou are here to stay"


"Might be holding your hand but I'm holding it loose"
http://youtu.be/T9yGcKlYAiw

And So It Is So

And so it is

So-

I cannot live without:

music, trees, love

You, so

I

will give you time to decide:

this, that, us-

A song with a bridge

Or a song only with chorus

One great weeping willow

Or a large redwood forest

And so that is

So-

I am standing here:

notes, branches, heart

You, so

We

will fall asleep separate, together, in love.

1/24/12

Things Change Over Time

Things change over time. The way a moment felt can take many shapes and forms as it settles in your memory. I experienced this chapter of my life in stages: excitement, disappointment, anger, understanding. But there will always be a certain nostalgia about what this person and the moment taught me from a "bigger picture" perspective. I enjoyed reading the two different ways I told this story, from my memory's own record.

For the Record ("For the Future")

Fleetwood Mac, Tom Petty;

You sang along softly in my ear

Displayed record collection, misplaced feelings;

I melted on your ugly green couch.

Wine filled mind, emptied hearts;

I will always feel this moment,

Solitarily, inevitably stoned.

-MA

6/11/12

For the Record

I melted on your ugly plaid couch,

With a wine filled mind and an emptied out heart.

I’m not trying to sound like I am holding on

To the past,

Here.

You let me play Fleetwood Mac,

For the first time in years, truth was in the music

I’m merely mentioning what is fact,

Not exaggerated,

After.

I danced with you in your living room,

Among your impressive displayed record collection and misplaced feelings

I’m just writing this all down,

As a reminder,

For the future.

8/21/11

She Came From the Wasteland

She came from the wasteland,

And she was dirty and poor,
begging for a glass of water

And was tightly hugging your heels,
kissing your calves, asking for your love

And when you finally gave it to her,
She drank it from your mouth

She was dancing like a fool
And smiling like a child

And she said, "thank you, thank you, thank you"
And dug her hands into the soft ground
And said, "thank you, thank you, thank you"


8/22/11

Epic

The following piece of writing is dedicated to all of my Heart House children, whom I love with every single fiber of my being. You are my children, my family, and the reason I am who I am today. I will miss you every day that I do not see you, but I will always do everything I can to honor you and our special relationships.

I want to write the most epic poem for each of you,
Crafted from a heart bursting with the most love you could ever imagine
With bright imagery and allegory, but you are not yet ready
To understand the complexity of such things

I want to write the most epic story of all of us,
The castles we stormed, the gardens we grew, the travels to other worlds
With amazing metaphor and symbolism, but others are not yet ready
To understand the possibilities of our dreams

I want to write the most epic song about it all,
Composed with dynamic elements of verse and lyric
With a bridge that tugs at the listener's heartstrings, but I am not ready
To write the ending.

8/18/11

A Relationship: In 2 Parts

"NO"

So we sat and talked
While I ran you in circles
Trying to get my words to
Pour from your mouth
But you didn't even flinch
As I put my arm around you
I was the one who couldn't
Look you in the eyes

(They would've been my favorite color.)

I swear I must've prayed to God
A thousand times
For a man like you
But did He know this?
Use it against me for smoking cigarettes
Under my parents' roof?

Do you recall the day it poured rain
And we just sat and stared at it?
Did you realize that you held me
So tight
I never dreamed you'd let me go,

And so now we sit and talk
And I can feel your gaze upon me
As you wrap your arm around me
And tell me,
"No."

-8/26/99



"ON HOW TO BREAK UP"

When you squeeze a smoke ring
Slightly pinch your fingers
So that the smoke slowly pulls apart
And the ring becomes two,
Creeping towards the sky
Until they have their last breath
And if,
By slight pinch
You cannot conjure the smoke to part
Blow faintly upon it
And perhaps it will become agitated
And begin to separate,
But,
Be sure that you are ready
For the chance that it might float back to you.

Since I Have Not Felt Your Presence

Since I have not felt your presence in years
Imagine
To find you here
On the tip of my tongue,
I was sure I had swallowed you
Wholly,
Fully digested the salty leftovers
Of our love-
making it easier to end
You. Me. Us.
Finite
-ly
Already satiated with the regret of.

Since I have not felt your presence in years
Remind
Me of the taste of full-flavored cigarettes
Inhaled with nervousness,
Again.
To find you here,
Tightening the lungs,
Squeezing stomach muscle,
Rising upwards, brushing the heartstrings
Now inside my
Mouth, urging--
You. Me. Us.

--9/17/07

In Ships

We sit here in ships
Anchored to the bottom of the ocean
Of lovers and friends
With tight grips around the heavy metal
Or iron or whatever it is
That anchors are made which make
Things difficult to pack up and go

On deck
We wait patiently
As the boat rocks gently back and forth
Like the way our bodies rock
Back and forth
Towards and away from each other
Gently

For some reason, we cannot move
Any longer
Not towards land and not farther
In this sea
I'm contemplating violently throwing things over
Board
Maybe even you
Because it feels too heavy
This ship
These bodies
This metal (or is it iron?) anchor
These things on my mind

We sit here in ships
Held fast and tight
Unlike the way that you we have ever held
Hands
We sit here in ships
Chained to the lovers and friends
Content to let ourselves rock gently
Unlike the way our hearts rock
Nervously

You are seated next to me
Compass in hand,
Map laid out on our laps
As if we ever had a way of finding our final destination.

8/13/08

Quietly (but not so quietly)

Quietly (but not so quietly),
In a chair with legs propped up
Hands folded calmly (but not so calmly) across the lap,
Perhaps I should start by explaining this--

I talk
alot.

Quietly (but not so quitely)
The story begins with you and I
Summer night air
Thick with anxious questions
Perhaps I should start by saying this--

I am not
mysterious.

Quietly (but not so quietly)
I wonder what you are thinking
Because you are not
Saying anything
Perhaps I should end by stating this--

You are
lovely.

8/24/08

March 9th, 2010

Please don't call me
Don't even say my name
In conversation with some friends of yours
I know you'll reach for your phone
And think about pressing the buttons
But I won't answer

No I won't answer
Because you can't answer me

Please don't write me
Don't even start the letter
On some scratch paper by your computer
I know you'll reach for your pencil
As you're searching for the words
But I won't read it

No I won't read it
Because you won't answer me

These sad songs I have on shuffle
Help me get through the day
They give me the words I need to hear
That you broke me
And you're sorry
And you wish you had me back
But I won't take you

No I won't take you
Because you wouldn't answer me

Answer me when I looked into your nervous eyes
Answer me when I searched for your hand in mine
Answer me when I showed up at your doorstep
And saw her with you inside

I won't answer
And I won't read it
And I won't take you

I'm not angry anymore
I've got nothing left to say
I finally found my answer
It's gonna be hard
But I'm going my own way

Come Over/How I Wasted Time

When you come over
When you place your hand
Moving in a circular rhythm down my back
I find it very difficult to say no
To say let’s leave it alone
I know, but I invited you over

When I come over
When I lay my head
Resting on your shoulder slowly
I find it very difficult to let go
To say this is not enough
I know it’s not, but I come over

I know you are about to turn your face towards mine
You know our lips will meet electrically
We will breathe in and out together
Both of our bodies shaking slightly in nervousness
We find it very difficult to not want this
To say that we are scared and lonely

When we sit there for the first moments
Thinking of the scene that is about to unfold:
Mouths, hands, legs, hands
We find it difficult to stop
To say no
To let go
To not want this

Come over.

1/5/11

Sometime between Jan 15th and now I fell in love with Queen

BAM. It hit me out of nowhere. Kind of like someone who has been a good friend for awhile, you have fond memories with them, they make your life fun....and then one day you begin to feel something inside of you that transcends friendship. It's a new feeling. Oh shit....it's LOVE.

And then you realize....it's been them all along. How did you never see it before? How could you be so blind? They are so amazing and wonderful! When you think of life without them, you can already imagine this hole in your heart.

Yes, this is what has happened to me. Queen had been on my mind lately. I found myself choosing Queen songs during karaoke happy hours. I found myself searching for YouTube videos. I started requesting to hear Queen wherever I went.

And I woke up Sunday morning and knew...I was madly in love with Queen. What's a girl to do? Lord, someone help me because I anticipate that this could turn into something obsessive and emotionally complicated.

Mawwage

I have been asked to marry my friends in September. They are going to pay to have me ordained online. I am THRILLED beyond belief.

People want me to freakin' marry them!

Oh man, they must really trust me on this one....

So if you or anyone you know is getting married in the next year, let me know. I can make this happen for you too. :)

In the Year 2000.....and 11.

If the past few days are any indication of what 2011 has in store for me, I am pretty stoked. As I reflect on 2010, I am reminded that I learned some very important life lessons, particularly revolving around "letting go". Letting go of unhealthy friendships, letting go of unrequited love, letting go of grudges and anger, and letting go of over planning my life.

I am incredibly thankful to the past year for allowing me to experience some of the toughest challenges and treasured moments of my life.

So as I enter 2011 and experience the last year of my 20s, these are the goals I have set for myself:

1.) Have my credit card and car debt paid off by my 30th birthday.
2.) Volunteer for a good cause.
3.) Travel to 3 new places outside of Austin.
4.) Participate in a "fun" or "educational" class.
5.) Create a "collection" of self-expression: a book, CD, video, etc.

I am sooo looking forward to this year! What about you??

Mixed Tape

I searched for you everywhere

In boxes on the highest shelves
I stood on a chair with wheels
Making little jumps, hands
Reached out to pull you down

And those boxes,
I tore violently at the edges
Ripping up perfectly taped seals
I never thought I would break

Again

Sixteenth birthday party
Turning, turning, turning
In my mind
I wanted nothing more than to listen to
your specific sequence of songs

To read that handwritten label
Listing a carefully planned process
That someone (I) went through to make you
To make you so awesome

And as I quickly cut the tape
Flung the cardboard flaps open,
I figuratively crossed my fingers that you
Would be there Waiting for me--

Songs of so called friends-
First cigarette behind 7-11
Stoners looking through dirty magazines
while they are assured me
That smoking is cool

Songs of first loves-
Snow on the balcony
When he kissed me,
With a salivating tongue
And a gentle hand in my hair

Songs from akward dances-
Fairly certainly feeling boners
On my upper thigh as I danced with guys
,blushing at the thought of
What we would all look like naked

Musical metaphor and melodic angst,
when I find you, I will finally be able
To let go,

Let everything go.

Secrets

Sometimes I try really hard to post about thoughts and experiences that are more raw, but I am afraid to expose people and secrets. The strange thing is that this is MY blog and while I am well aware that I should use it as I like, I still cannot bring myself to write about a few of the things that are most on my mind. I worry about the unfortunate event of people visiting my page to find themselves exposed as well because it would still be obvious, even if I tried to cleverly rename them. Not to mention the fact that it exposes me...and well, while I may be quite the open book, there are still things that are very challenging for me to share. And so for now, they stay inside. But know that I am working towards sharing them proudly and openly one day soon.

I'm Sitting Pretty

I am here to share with you all what has undoubtedly been the best month of my life all year....possibly years. If you've been around me lately, you may even have had the urge to gag a little with my incessant purring over how awesome my life is right now...and is continuing to be.

I was lying here on my bed tonight, listening to some of my favorite music, reflecting on how hard I have worked to get myself and my life to this place of abundance and fulfillment. I have always thought of myself as a fortunate and happy person, optimistic about life's adventure. And I know that even when everything seems to be perfect, it is not about obtaining perfectionism...it is about truth seeking, personal growth and development, and the pursuit of passion, knowledge and experience.

So what is all this mumbo jumbo about exactly?

First of all, it starts with a job promotion. Last month I became the Director of Education for Heart House. Hopefully, you know that I have been working there for over 5 years now and I have a true passion for the work that I do to impact the lives of the youth in our afterschool and summer programs. I really hope you all know how much my work means to me. If you don't, you will learn soon enough that it is paramount to who I am as a person--what motivates me, what excites me, what fulfills me. So earlier this year, our Founder offers me the amazing opportunity to create a NEW job for myself....and the Director of Education was born. Not only did I receive the opportunity to write my own job description and performance plan, but I also received a very generous salary increase. Oh, and did I mention that I work from home now? Yeah....so as you can see, my new job began to open many new doors for me.

The first door it opened was time at home. OMG, I have ALL this time now to work and do other things. I cannot express to you how awesome it is to be able to do laundry while working, or to be able to take my dog Jack on regular walks in between working sessions. Or how I can make a healthier lunch for myself and savor my food, instead of scarfing down Whataburger in 20 minutes to make it back to work on time. I actually have TIME. Sweet, productive, uninterrupted time. I feel like I will be able to accomplish so much more, feel balanced, rested, calm. Can you imagine....CALM??

And I hate to say it buuuuttt......I have boatloads of money now! I just can't believe that I am going to be financially well off for a long while. And as much as money can be the root of all evil, um, it can also provide many much needed opportunities.....like getting out of debt, a mental health and well being plan, a bicycle, nice new professional work clothes, a trip to NYC to see my brothers.....and so on and so forth. Don't worry, I won't squander it all....because what I am most excited for with my new found financial security is the creation of a substantial savings account! That's right...I'm 29 and will finally have a savings account with a balance of more than $20.

And I've made some major breakthroughs in my counseling sessions regarding my working and personal relationships. I've finally let go of the people and personal habits that are preventing me from pursuing healthy, mutually respectful and loving relationships. I feel completely capable of setting boundaries with others, communicating honestly, and sharing my thoughts and feelings. I FINALLY understand and can apply healthy dating habits that do not involve hiding feelings, masking intentions, giving without receiving, and settling for mediocre. I am happy to report that I can successfully flirt now! I feel like I just put on a new pair of glasses and can see my life and personal relationships in a completely new, fresh and exciting way!

Amidst of all these goings on, I have learned some AMAZING things about myself.

I have learned what it feels like to find the calm in my life.
I have learned to sit and listen to music and contemplate.
I have learned how to have a healthier lifestyle.
I have learned how to have a better bond with my dog.
I have learned how to let go.
I have learned to say "No".
I have learned to truly love myself.
I have learned how to dress better.
I have learned how to ride a bicycle.

I am incredibly grateful for this feeling of abundance that has washed over me. I cannot wait for the rest of what this "newness" will bring!