The following piece of writing is dedicated to all of my Heart House children, whom I love with every single fiber of my being. You are my children, my family, and the reason I am who I am today. I will miss you every day that I do not see you, but I will always do everything I can to honor you and our special relationships.
I want to write the most epic poem for each of you,
Crafted from a heart bursting with the most love you could ever imagine
With bright imagery and allegory, but you are not yet ready
To understand the complexity of such things
I want to write the most epic story of all of us,
The castles we stormed, the gardens we grew, the travels to other worlds
With amazing metaphor and symbolism, but others are not yet ready
To understand the possibilities of our dreams
I want to write the most epic song about it all,
Composed with dynamic elements of verse and lyric
With a bridge that tugs at the listener's heartstrings, but I am not ready
To write the ending.
8/18/11
Showing posts with label Lessons Learned. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Lessons Learned. Show all posts
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
A Relationship: In 2 Parts
"NO"
So we sat and talked
While I ran you in circles
Trying to get my words to
Pour from your mouth
But you didn't even flinch
As I put my arm around you
I was the one who couldn't
Look you in the eyes
(They would've been my favorite color.)
I swear I must've prayed to God
A thousand times
For a man like you
But did He know this?
Use it against me for smoking cigarettes
Under my parents' roof?
Do you recall the day it poured rain
And we just sat and stared at it?
Did you realize that you held me
So tight
I never dreamed you'd let me go,
And so now we sit and talk
And I can feel your gaze upon me
As you wrap your arm around me
And tell me,
"No."
-8/26/99
"ON HOW TO BREAK UP"
When you squeeze a smoke ring
Slightly pinch your fingers
So that the smoke slowly pulls apart
And the ring becomes two,
Creeping towards the sky
Until they have their last breath
And if,
By slight pinch
You cannot conjure the smoke to part
Blow faintly upon it
And perhaps it will become agitated
And begin to separate,
But,
Be sure that you are ready
For the chance that it might float back to you.
So we sat and talked
While I ran you in circles
Trying to get my words to
Pour from your mouth
But you didn't even flinch
As I put my arm around you
I was the one who couldn't
Look you in the eyes
(They would've been my favorite color.)
I swear I must've prayed to God
A thousand times
For a man like you
But did He know this?
Use it against me for smoking cigarettes
Under my parents' roof?
Do you recall the day it poured rain
And we just sat and stared at it?
Did you realize that you held me
So tight
I never dreamed you'd let me go,
And so now we sit and talk
And I can feel your gaze upon me
As you wrap your arm around me
And tell me,
"No."
-8/26/99
"ON HOW TO BREAK UP"
When you squeeze a smoke ring
Slightly pinch your fingers
So that the smoke slowly pulls apart
And the ring becomes two,
Creeping towards the sky
Until they have their last breath
And if,
By slight pinch
You cannot conjure the smoke to part
Blow faintly upon it
And perhaps it will become agitated
And begin to separate,
But,
Be sure that you are ready
For the chance that it might float back to you.
March 9th, 2010
Please don't call me
Don't even say my name
In conversation with some friends of yours
I know you'll reach for your phone
And think about pressing the buttons
But I won't answer
No I won't answer
Because you can't answer me
Please don't write me
Don't even start the letter
On some scratch paper by your computer
I know you'll reach for your pencil
As you're searching for the words
But I won't read it
No I won't read it
Because you won't answer me
These sad songs I have on shuffle
Help me get through the day
They give me the words I need to hear
That you broke me
And you're sorry
And you wish you had me back
But I won't take you
No I won't take you
Because you wouldn't answer me
Answer me when I looked into your nervous eyes
Answer me when I searched for your hand in mine
Answer me when I showed up at your doorstep
And saw her with you inside
I won't answer
And I won't read it
And I won't take you
I'm not angry anymore
I've got nothing left to say
I finally found my answer
It's gonna be hard
But I'm going my own way
Don't even say my name
In conversation with some friends of yours
I know you'll reach for your phone
And think about pressing the buttons
But I won't answer
No I won't answer
Because you can't answer me
Please don't write me
Don't even start the letter
On some scratch paper by your computer
I know you'll reach for your pencil
As you're searching for the words
But I won't read it
No I won't read it
Because you won't answer me
These sad songs I have on shuffle
Help me get through the day
They give me the words I need to hear
That you broke me
And you're sorry
And you wish you had me back
But I won't take you
No I won't take you
Because you wouldn't answer me
Answer me when I looked into your nervous eyes
Answer me when I searched for your hand in mine
Answer me when I showed up at your doorstep
And saw her with you inside
I won't answer
And I won't read it
And I won't take you
I'm not angry anymore
I've got nothing left to say
I finally found my answer
It's gonna be hard
But I'm going my own way
Come Over/How I Wasted Time
When you come over
When you place your hand
Moving in a circular rhythm down my back
I find it very difficult to say no
To say let’s leave it alone
I know, but I invited you over
When I come over
When I lay my head
Resting on your shoulder slowly
I find it very difficult to let go
To say this is not enough
I know it’s not, but I come over
I know you are about to turn your face towards mine
You know our lips will meet electrically
We will breathe in and out together
Both of our bodies shaking slightly in nervousness
We find it very difficult to not want this
To say that we are scared and lonely
When we sit there for the first moments
Thinking of the scene that is about to unfold:
Mouths, hands, legs, hands
We find it difficult to stop
To say no
To let go
To not want this
Come over.
1/5/11
When you place your hand
Moving in a circular rhythm down my back
I find it very difficult to say no
To say let’s leave it alone
I know, but I invited you over
When I come over
When I lay my head
Resting on your shoulder slowly
I find it very difficult to let go
To say this is not enough
I know it’s not, but I come over
I know you are about to turn your face towards mine
You know our lips will meet electrically
We will breathe in and out together
Both of our bodies shaking slightly in nervousness
We find it very difficult to not want this
To say that we are scared and lonely
When we sit there for the first moments
Thinking of the scene that is about to unfold:
Mouths, hands, legs, hands
We find it difficult to stop
To say no
To let go
To not want this
Come over.
1/5/11
Sunday, January 2, 2011
In the Year 2000.....and 11.
If the past few days are any indication of what 2011 has in store for me, I am pretty stoked. As I reflect on 2010, I am reminded that I learned some very important life lessons, particularly revolving around "letting go". Letting go of unhealthy friendships, letting go of unrequited love, letting go of grudges and anger, and letting go of over planning my life.
I am incredibly thankful to the past year for allowing me to experience some of the toughest challenges and treasured moments of my life.
So as I enter 2011 and experience the last year of my 20s, these are the goals I have set for myself:
1.) Have my credit card and car debt paid off by my 30th birthday.
2.) Volunteer for a good cause.
3.) Travel to 3 new places outside of Austin.
4.) Participate in a "fun" or "educational" class.
5.) Create a "collection" of self-expression: a book, CD, video, etc.
I am sooo looking forward to this year! What about you??
I am incredibly thankful to the past year for allowing me to experience some of the toughest challenges and treasured moments of my life.
So as I enter 2011 and experience the last year of my 20s, these are the goals I have set for myself:
1.) Have my credit card and car debt paid off by my 30th birthday.
2.) Volunteer for a good cause.
3.) Travel to 3 new places outside of Austin.
4.) Participate in a "fun" or "educational" class.
5.) Create a "collection" of self-expression: a book, CD, video, etc.
I am sooo looking forward to this year! What about you??
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Things I Have Learned This Month..
1.) I want to be a "page turner". I want to learn how to share appropriately and in measured doses so that I am not giving away all the characters, plot and settings too soon. This, in turn, will make me more excited to live my life more spontaneously, less concerned about having it all figured out.
2.) I do not need to "sell" myself. It sounded so harsh when my counselor first helped me realize this character trait about myself. But the truest things are often the hardest to hear. And she hit the nail on the head with that one. Why do I try so hard to show people how cool I am instead of just BEING completely relaxed in expressing myself in the moment and not being so concerned with what they think of me? It's a form of aggressive expression in a way. "Here....I want you to know ALL about me RIGHT NOW...so you can see all of these wonderful qualities about me and why you should date/befriend/buy me a drink!"
3.) I CAN flirt! Whew...what a relief. I thought I was a goner on that one...
4.) My professional career is calling me to great responsibility and action. There are amazing leadership opportunities in the horizon and I need to strongly consider and define my role as a leader in the youth development field. Again, I need to evaluate my own personal agenda/goal/judgments of myself versus the greater good of the afterschool community and my peers. This is a pivotal, exciting, courageous and truth-seeking time in my career.
5.) I have found the meaning of "calm". It has taken shape in many wonderful forms this month---listening to records on my friend's couch, writing out positive life affirmations, ignoring phone calls and messages, regular massages....I cannot tell you how long it has been since I was comfortable and capable of enjoying moments of solitude, silence, or meditation. I am creating a balance in my life between all of the super exciting fun things I like to do and the recharging, relaxing, introspective moments I need to re-energize. It's a breakthrough really.....me staying at home more, letting go of trying to juggle a ridiculous amount of friendships, sitting with myself and really focusing on making myself peaceful and healthy.
Just around the corner from my 29th birthday....I feel like I am in an incredibly exciting place in my life. The best I have been ever. I look forward to continued growth, development, and FUN as I near 30. Wow, I just never imagined that I could be where I am right now. :)
2.) I do not need to "sell" myself. It sounded so harsh when my counselor first helped me realize this character trait about myself. But the truest things are often the hardest to hear. And she hit the nail on the head with that one. Why do I try so hard to show people how cool I am instead of just BEING completely relaxed in expressing myself in the moment and not being so concerned with what they think of me? It's a form of aggressive expression in a way. "Here....I want you to know ALL about me RIGHT NOW...so you can see all of these wonderful qualities about me and why you should date/befriend/buy me a drink!"
3.) I CAN flirt! Whew...what a relief. I thought I was a goner on that one...
4.) My professional career is calling me to great responsibility and action. There are amazing leadership opportunities in the horizon and I need to strongly consider and define my role as a leader in the youth development field. Again, I need to evaluate my own personal agenda/goal/judgments of myself versus the greater good of the afterschool community and my peers. This is a pivotal, exciting, courageous and truth-seeking time in my career.
5.) I have found the meaning of "calm". It has taken shape in many wonderful forms this month---listening to records on my friend's couch, writing out positive life affirmations, ignoring phone calls and messages, regular massages....I cannot tell you how long it has been since I was comfortable and capable of enjoying moments of solitude, silence, or meditation. I am creating a balance in my life between all of the super exciting fun things I like to do and the recharging, relaxing, introspective moments I need to re-energize. It's a breakthrough really.....me staying at home more, letting go of trying to juggle a ridiculous amount of friendships, sitting with myself and really focusing on making myself peaceful and healthy.
Just around the corner from my 29th birthday....I feel like I am in an incredibly exciting place in my life. The best I have been ever. I look forward to continued growth, development, and FUN as I near 30. Wow, I just never imagined that I could be where I am right now. :)
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Swede vs. Non-Swede: How We Roll
This month, one of my favorite people came to visit Austin for the month. Her name is Sarah and she was the first Swedish person I ever met. Sarah has taught me alot about Sweden--everything from the crazy crap they eat to their governing system. She has a magnetic quality about her, something that intrigues everyone. I find all of my friends immediately engaged in asking her about her life. It's as if they never knew that Swedish people existed! I LOVE listening to her tell stories--funny, outrageous, enlightening, and empowering.
Therefore, I came up with this wonderful idea for an advice/opinion blog called "Swede vs. Non-Swede".
You see, even though Sarah and I have a pretty amazing friendship, we also have our own unique perspective on things, often influenced by our cultural and regional upbringing. Sometimes she is dumbfounded by the way that "Americans" live and act and likewise, I was surprised to find out that she doesn't have a movie theater in her "willage" (village, but that's how she says it) and the last time she went to see a movie was over a year ago. See.....we live our separate lives, have our own experiences and influences, and enjoy sharing these with each other and the world.
I asked my Facebook community to ask questions, advice and propose topics for discussion. We had a great response and so we will be breaking up our conversations into separate blog posts.
Without further ado, here is the first installment!
HOW WE ROLL: Personalities & Lifestyle
Question: Do you believe a person's name has any effect on their personality?
Sarah: Not at all. A name is just a name. It's something your parents gave to you. Of course it depends on how strong of an identity you have. If you're kind of shy and having a hard time socializing with people, then I feel like people begin to associate your name with you. So no, I feel that a name is just a name. I love the Indian names. "Sarah, the Girl with the blonde hair who is here to cheer us up"...if that was my name, then yeah..but I'm just (wanders off in thought)....cause I mean like 150-200 years ago in Sweden, it would still be that you got your parents name, you know? So it was also a kind of identity marker back then when there was so few people. But today, a name doesn't say anything.
Monica: Well, I do find it interesting that I can have strong reactions to people's names and sometimes find myself judging them based on other people's personalities with that name. For example, I tend to hate Johns because most of the Johns I know are egotistical alpha males...and maybe a guy named also terribly broke my heart a few years back, so I kind of shy away from hanging out with Johns. Here's what I think: People form strong attachments to names of people who were significant in their lives. So it's not that a person's name influences their own personality, but rather, the people they know influence their perception of them. I feel like I am trying to communicate this while I am on drugs. Hope you are staying with me on this one.....You know what would be unfortunate? If you had a really kick-ass name like Sunbeam but you were actually a huge ass.
Question: Do you like peanut butter and jelly sandwiches?
Sarah: I do, but it's just that we don't eat that much peanut butter, so for me peanut butter is this thing that is just taking over your mouth. But with the jam, it just goes down, so with the sweetness of the jam, it makes the peanut butter eatable. I do love peanut butter, but not by myself. It's "gum glued" food. Like some special kind of wines are "gum glued" wines. You know that feeling?
Monica: I feel so unAmerican for saying this, but I do not like peanut butter and jelly sandwiches that much at all. I feel like I spend way too long trying to get the peanut butter down my throat and the smacking sound that it makes really bothers me. HOWEVER, I would be more enthusiastic about eating a sandwich that has the crunchy peanut butter because I do enjoy whole nuts.
Question: What does rock music sound like in Sweden?
Sarah: Can I just paste a link to a Metallica song played from a Swedish computer? That must be Swedish rock music. Hahahaha. Here are some music groups you should listen to: Hellacopters, Moneybrother, and of course, the Hives. That is Swedish rock. Swedish rock sounds alot..it's just got this cool rock sound. Swedish music sounds COOOOOL, okay?
Monica: An ex-boyfriend of mine introduced me to a band called "The Sounds" years back and I really dug them. Then I met Sarah and she informed me that they are in fact, a Swedish band. Soooo...."I really like this rock band" + "This band is Swedish"="I really like this Swedish rock band". Therefore, Swedish rock (the very little I know about it) is pretty cool. In fact, we've posted some Swedish rock for your listening pleasure! Just like American rock, there are many genres and sounds across the spectrum, but here is a diverse sampling.
Hellacopters:"I'm in the Band"
The Sounds: "Painted by Numbers"
Moneybrother: "It's Been Hurting all the Way with you Joanna"
Oh and let's not forget THESE AWESOME SWEDISH ROCKERS..
Roxette: "The Look"
Okay, that's it for this time. Check back soon for the next installment of Swede vs. Non-Swede.
Therefore, I came up with this wonderful idea for an advice/opinion blog called "Swede vs. Non-Swede".
You see, even though Sarah and I have a pretty amazing friendship, we also have our own unique perspective on things, often influenced by our cultural and regional upbringing. Sometimes she is dumbfounded by the way that "Americans" live and act and likewise, I was surprised to find out that she doesn't have a movie theater in her "willage" (village, but that's how she says it) and the last time she went to see a movie was over a year ago. See.....we live our separate lives, have our own experiences and influences, and enjoy sharing these with each other and the world.
I asked my Facebook community to ask questions, advice and propose topics for discussion. We had a great response and so we will be breaking up our conversations into separate blog posts.
Without further ado, here is the first installment!
HOW WE ROLL: Personalities & Lifestyle
Question: Do you believe a person's name has any effect on their personality?
Sarah: Not at all. A name is just a name. It's something your parents gave to you. Of course it depends on how strong of an identity you have. If you're kind of shy and having a hard time socializing with people, then I feel like people begin to associate your name with you. So no, I feel that a name is just a name. I love the Indian names. "Sarah, the Girl with the blonde hair who is here to cheer us up"...if that was my name, then yeah..but I'm just (wanders off in thought)....cause I mean like 150-200 years ago in Sweden, it would still be that you got your parents name, you know? So it was also a kind of identity marker back then when there was so few people. But today, a name doesn't say anything.
Monica: Well, I do find it interesting that I can have strong reactions to people's names and sometimes find myself judging them based on other people's personalities with that name. For example, I tend to hate Johns because most of the Johns I know are egotistical alpha males...and maybe a guy named also terribly broke my heart a few years back, so I kind of shy away from hanging out with Johns. Here's what I think: People form strong attachments to names of people who were significant in their lives. So it's not that a person's name influences their own personality, but rather, the people they know influence their perception of them. I feel like I am trying to communicate this while I am on drugs. Hope you are staying with me on this one.....You know what would be unfortunate? If you had a really kick-ass name like Sunbeam but you were actually a huge ass.
Question: Do you like peanut butter and jelly sandwiches?
Sarah: I do, but it's just that we don't eat that much peanut butter, so for me peanut butter is this thing that is just taking over your mouth. But with the jam, it just goes down, so with the sweetness of the jam, it makes the peanut butter eatable. I do love peanut butter, but not by myself. It's "gum glued" food. Like some special kind of wines are "gum glued" wines. You know that feeling?
Monica: I feel so unAmerican for saying this, but I do not like peanut butter and jelly sandwiches that much at all. I feel like I spend way too long trying to get the peanut butter down my throat and the smacking sound that it makes really bothers me. HOWEVER, I would be more enthusiastic about eating a sandwich that has the crunchy peanut butter because I do enjoy whole nuts.
Question: What does rock music sound like in Sweden?
Sarah: Can I just paste a link to a Metallica song played from a Swedish computer? That must be Swedish rock music. Hahahaha. Here are some music groups you should listen to: Hellacopters, Moneybrother, and of course, the Hives. That is Swedish rock. Swedish rock sounds alot..it's just got this cool rock sound. Swedish music sounds COOOOOL, okay?
Monica: An ex-boyfriend of mine introduced me to a band called "The Sounds" years back and I really dug them. Then I met Sarah and she informed me that they are in fact, a Swedish band. Soooo...."I really like this rock band" + "This band is Swedish"="I really like this Swedish rock band". Therefore, Swedish rock (the very little I know about it) is pretty cool. In fact, we've posted some Swedish rock for your listening pleasure! Just like American rock, there are many genres and sounds across the spectrum, but here is a diverse sampling.
Hellacopters:"I'm in the Band"
The Sounds: "Painted by Numbers"
Moneybrother: "It's Been Hurting all the Way with you Joanna"
Oh and let's not forget THESE AWESOME SWEDISH ROCKERS..
Roxette: "The Look"
Okay, that's it for this time. Check back soon for the next installment of Swede vs. Non-Swede.
Monday, October 18, 2010
I'm Sitting Pretty
I am here to share with you all what has undoubtedly been the best month of my life all year....possibly years. If you've been around me lately, you may even have had the urge to gag a little with my incessant purring over how awesome my life is right now...and is continuing to be.
I was lying here on my bed tonight, listening to some of my favorite music, reflecting on how hard I have worked to get myself and my life to this place of abundance and fulfillment. I have always thought of myself as a fortunate and happy person, optimistic about life's adventure. And I know that even when everything seems to be perfect, it is not about obtaining perfectionism...it is about truth seeking, personal growth and development, and the pursuit of passion, knowledge and experience.
So what is all this mumbo jumbo about exactly?
First of all, it starts with a job promotion. Last month I became the Director of Education for Heart House. Hopefully, you know that I have been working there for over 5 years now and I have a true passion for the work that I do to impact the lives of the youth in our afterschool and summer programs. I really hope you all know how much my work means to me. If you don't, you will learn soon enough that it is paramount to who I am as a person--what motivates me, what excites me, what fulfills me. So earlier this year, our Founder offers me the amazing opportunity to create a NEW job for myself....and the Director of Education was born. Not only did I receive the opportunity to write my own job description and performance plan, but I also received a very generous salary increase. Oh, and did I mention that I work from home now? Yeah....so as you can see, my new job began to open many new doors for me.
The first door it opened was time at home. OMG, I have ALL this time now to work and do other things. I cannot express to you how awesome it is to be able to do laundry while working, or to be able to take my dog Jack on regular walks in between working sessions. Or how I can make a healthier lunch for myself and savor my food, instead of scarfing down Whataburger in 20 minutes to make it back to work on time. I actually have TIME. Sweet, productive, uninterrupted time. I feel like I will be able to accomplish so much more, feel balanced, rested, calm. Can you imagine....CALM??
And I hate to say it buuuuttt......I have boatloads of money now! I just can't believe that I am going to be financially well off for a long while. And as much as money can be the root of all evil, um, it can also provide many much needed opportunities.....like getting out of debt, a mental health and well being plan, a bicycle, nice new professional work clothes, a trip to NYC to see my brothers.....and so on and so forth. Don't worry, I won't squander it all....because what I am most excited for with my new found financial security is the creation of a substantial savings account! That's right...I'm 29 and will finally have a savings account with a balance of more than $20.
And I've made some major breakthroughs in my counseling sessions regarding my working and personal relationships. I've finally let go of the people and personal habits that are preventing me from pursuing healthy, mutually respectful and loving relationships. I feel completely capable of setting boundaries with others, communicating honestly, and sharing my thoughts and feelings. I FINALLY understand and can apply healthy dating habits that do not involve hiding feelings, masking intentions, giving without receiving, and settling for mediocre. I am happy to report that I can successfully flirt now! I feel like I just put on a new pair of glasses and can see my life and personal relationships in a completely new, fresh and exciting way!
Amidst of all these goings on, I have learned some AMAZING things about myself.
I have learned what it feels like to find the calm in my life.
I have learned to sit and listen to music and contemplate.
I have learned how to have a healthier lifestyle.
I have learned how to have a better bond with my dog.
I have learned how to let go.
I have learned to say "No".
I have learned to truly love myself.
I have learned how to dress better.
I have learned how to ride a bicycle.
I am incredibly grateful for this feeling of abundance that has washed over me. I cannot wait for the rest of what this "newness" will bring!
I was lying here on my bed tonight, listening to some of my favorite music, reflecting on how hard I have worked to get myself and my life to this place of abundance and fulfillment. I have always thought of myself as a fortunate and happy person, optimistic about life's adventure. And I know that even when everything seems to be perfect, it is not about obtaining perfectionism...it is about truth seeking, personal growth and development, and the pursuit of passion, knowledge and experience.
So what is all this mumbo jumbo about exactly?
First of all, it starts with a job promotion. Last month I became the Director of Education for Heart House. Hopefully, you know that I have been working there for over 5 years now and I have a true passion for the work that I do to impact the lives of the youth in our afterschool and summer programs. I really hope you all know how much my work means to me. If you don't, you will learn soon enough that it is paramount to who I am as a person--what motivates me, what excites me, what fulfills me. So earlier this year, our Founder offers me the amazing opportunity to create a NEW job for myself....and the Director of Education was born. Not only did I receive the opportunity to write my own job description and performance plan, but I also received a very generous salary increase. Oh, and did I mention that I work from home now? Yeah....so as you can see, my new job began to open many new doors for me.
The first door it opened was time at home. OMG, I have ALL this time now to work and do other things. I cannot express to you how awesome it is to be able to do laundry while working, or to be able to take my dog Jack on regular walks in between working sessions. Or how I can make a healthier lunch for myself and savor my food, instead of scarfing down Whataburger in 20 minutes to make it back to work on time. I actually have TIME. Sweet, productive, uninterrupted time. I feel like I will be able to accomplish so much more, feel balanced, rested, calm. Can you imagine....CALM??
And I hate to say it buuuuttt......I have boatloads of money now! I just can't believe that I am going to be financially well off for a long while. And as much as money can be the root of all evil, um, it can also provide many much needed opportunities.....like getting out of debt, a mental health and well being plan, a bicycle, nice new professional work clothes, a trip to NYC to see my brothers.....and so on and so forth. Don't worry, I won't squander it all....because what I am most excited for with my new found financial security is the creation of a substantial savings account! That's right...I'm 29 and will finally have a savings account with a balance of more than $20.
And I've made some major breakthroughs in my counseling sessions regarding my working and personal relationships. I've finally let go of the people and personal habits that are preventing me from pursuing healthy, mutually respectful and loving relationships. I feel completely capable of setting boundaries with others, communicating honestly, and sharing my thoughts and feelings. I FINALLY understand and can apply healthy dating habits that do not involve hiding feelings, masking intentions, giving without receiving, and settling for mediocre. I am happy to report that I can successfully flirt now! I feel like I just put on a new pair of glasses and can see my life and personal relationships in a completely new, fresh and exciting way!
Amidst of all these goings on, I have learned some AMAZING things about myself.
I have learned what it feels like to find the calm in my life.
I have learned to sit and listen to music and contemplate.
I have learned how to have a healthier lifestyle.
I have learned how to have a better bond with my dog.
I have learned how to let go.
I have learned to say "No".
I have learned to truly love myself.
I have learned how to dress better.
I have learned how to ride a bicycle.
I am incredibly grateful for this feeling of abundance that has washed over me. I cannot wait for the rest of what this "newness" will bring!
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Fleetwood Mac's "The Dance"
I hope that in heaven, Fleetwood Mac's emotionally honest, electric and palpable live performance called "The Dance" plays on a loop for eternity.
This concert viewing also has incredibly sentimental value for me because the first time I watched it was with a dear friend of mine, Drew. When I met Drew years ago, I knew I liked Fleetwood Mac, based on....oh...the only 3 songs of theirs I had ever heard. After nights of listening to FM albums and sharing CDs, I truly came into my FM fandom. He cultivated a true appreciation and endearment for them and it is something we have shared together ever since, including a very special place in my heart for this song:
The first time I watched "The Dance" with Drew, it felt magical.....like in a really geeky way. Like I wanted to slowly rock my hands back and forth in the air, eyes closed, loudly singing along to songs that are somehow about my life, like they predicted my lifetime and wrote songs just for me. Yeah...like THAT kind of magic.
We watched it again the other night. It totally pulls on my heartstrings, in a really vulnerable and therapeutic way. It's great for heartaches, hard crushes, and self-discovery.
I would just like to state for the record that this is the song you should sing to me when we get married.
And if it's unlikely that you and I are going to get married, then you can sing it to me on a voicemail at 1am, on any future birthday, or when it's time to sing those "let's get really drunk and sappy" songs at karaoke. I mean honestly, if you need to deliver some REALLY bad news to me too.....go with "Songbird". It hits the spot just right every time.
In conclusion, I highly recommend everyone watch "The Dance" at least 10 times. At least. And watch these videos as supporting evidence.
Special thanks to Drew Walters for making my insanely special love for Fleetwood Mac possible.
This concert viewing also has incredibly sentimental value for me because the first time I watched it was with a dear friend of mine, Drew. When I met Drew years ago, I knew I liked Fleetwood Mac, based on....oh...the only 3 songs of theirs I had ever heard. After nights of listening to FM albums and sharing CDs, I truly came into my FM fandom. He cultivated a true appreciation and endearment for them and it is something we have shared together ever since, including a very special place in my heart for this song:
The first time I watched "The Dance" with Drew, it felt magical.....like in a really geeky way. Like I wanted to slowly rock my hands back and forth in the air, eyes closed, loudly singing along to songs that are somehow about my life, like they predicted my lifetime and wrote songs just for me. Yeah...like THAT kind of magic.
We watched it again the other night. It totally pulls on my heartstrings, in a really vulnerable and therapeutic way. It's great for heartaches, hard crushes, and self-discovery.
I would just like to state for the record that this is the song you should sing to me when we get married.
And if it's unlikely that you and I are going to get married, then you can sing it to me on a voicemail at 1am, on any future birthday, or when it's time to sing those "let's get really drunk and sappy" songs at karaoke. I mean honestly, if you need to deliver some REALLY bad news to me too.....go with "Songbird". It hits the spot just right every time.
In conclusion, I highly recommend everyone watch "The Dance" at least 10 times. At least. And watch these videos as supporting evidence.
Special thanks to Drew Walters for making my insanely special love for Fleetwood Mac possible.
Saturday, October 2, 2010
Sunday, August 22, 2010
What You Can Expect from My Blog This Year
Hello everyone,
I've decided to blog again....for real! Not only that, but I just spent an hour reorganizing the layout of my blog. Some things to note are the awesome new template (ooohhh.....ahhh....) and the "Topics for Discussion".
Okay, so here's what I decided to do--categorize my shit to make it easier and more fun for BOTH of us. I will be posting stuff on the regs in these areas. Read below for descriptions:
That's Gross: You guessed it....these posts are about nasty, gross, unsightly things. You know, the kind of stuff you guys are always making fun of me for talking about so much
Travels: I know I don't do a whole lot of traveling, but this year I plan to change my sedentary ways.
Monica Reviews Stuff: Books, Movies, Music, Restaraunts. I think my opinion matters!
Alter Egos: I have many. Get to know them.
Lessons Learned: ALOT. I have learned alot.
I Love Lists: OMG, I can't wait to share my lists with you all!
Adventure Club: Fun things I do to keep my life exciting, curious, and adventurous.
Baby Animals: Who doesn't like baby animals? Look forward to some of the cutest damn babies you've ever seen! It's gonna rain baby animals on my blog. :)
Geeking Out: Everyone knows I'm a dork....this is where you get to experience some of my nerdiest moments.
Heart and Soul: Did you know I write poetry? Well, I do. And this is the place where you can find that....and other heartfelt sentiments. I know I like to act funny most of the time, but there really is some serious shit going on in my mind.
Random Ramblings: You got it.....random.
I am so excited to be excited about this blog again! Please check it on the daily. :)
I've decided to blog again....for real! Not only that, but I just spent an hour reorganizing the layout of my blog. Some things to note are the awesome new template (ooohhh.....ahhh....) and the "Topics for Discussion".
Okay, so here's what I decided to do--categorize my shit to make it easier and more fun for BOTH of us. I will be posting stuff on the regs in these areas. Read below for descriptions:
That's Gross: You guessed it....these posts are about nasty, gross, unsightly things. You know, the kind of stuff you guys are always making fun of me for talking about so much
Travels: I know I don't do a whole lot of traveling, but this year I plan to change my sedentary ways.
Monica Reviews Stuff: Books, Movies, Music, Restaraunts. I think my opinion matters!
Alter Egos: I have many. Get to know them.
Lessons Learned: ALOT. I have learned alot.
I Love Lists: OMG, I can't wait to share my lists with you all!
Adventure Club: Fun things I do to keep my life exciting, curious, and adventurous.
Baby Animals: Who doesn't like baby animals? Look forward to some of the cutest damn babies you've ever seen! It's gonna rain baby animals on my blog. :)
Geeking Out: Everyone knows I'm a dork....this is where you get to experience some of my nerdiest moments.
Heart and Soul: Did you know I write poetry? Well, I do. And this is the place where you can find that....and other heartfelt sentiments. I know I like to act funny most of the time, but there really is some serious shit going on in my mind.
Random Ramblings: You got it.....random.
I am so excited to be excited about this blog again! Please check it on the daily. :)
Monday, February 9, 2009
9 Hours of Solitude
On Saturday, I decided to participate in a marathon viewing of "Dexter". This should come as no surprise to you if you read my previous post.
Well, after watching 9 consecutive hours of Dexter and his search for normalcy, human experience, and meaning.......it really caused me to deeply reflect on some of these issues myself.
Strange to consider that Dexter is showing me much more insight than I ever thought possible. I suppose it's because as an outsider, he notices the all the small things that make people truly human. He has spent most of his life studying the nuances and "ways" of people in order to wear a more convincingly human mask. And so he is on a constantly confusing and curious path to understand himself and others around him.
But it does help you look at your life from a fresh perspective. And that is what 9 hours of solitude on Saturday gave to me.
(Although it did also make me a bit socially strange as well. I mean after a full day of serial killers and the search for "humanness", I felt overwhelmed and awkward.)
Well, after watching 9 consecutive hours of Dexter and his search for normalcy, human experience, and meaning.......it really caused me to deeply reflect on some of these issues myself.
Strange to consider that Dexter is showing me much more insight than I ever thought possible. I suppose it's because as an outsider, he notices the all the small things that make people truly human. He has spent most of his life studying the nuances and "ways" of people in order to wear a more convincingly human mask. And so he is on a constantly confusing and curious path to understand himself and others around him.
But it does help you look at your life from a fresh perspective. And that is what 9 hours of solitude on Saturday gave to me.
(Although it did also make me a bit socially strange as well. I mean after a full day of serial killers and the search for "humanness", I felt overwhelmed and awkward.)
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Obsessive Personality Disorder
Anyone who knows me knows that I tend to approach my interests in an obsessive manner. Once I'm into something, I'm waist deep in it to win it. I am completely unable to
"savor" anything over extended amounts of time. So it's like this: It all started with "Lost". I got so into it that I watched all 2 seasons in a matter of weeks so that I could be caught up for season 3 last year. Then, last fall, I heard about the "Thrill the World" event (which you can read about in previous blogs) and it was like Thriller, Thriller, Thriller---all the time, everywhere. Zombies, brains, more brains, etc. Then someone introduced me to the Twilight series, which I read in a matter of 2 weeks.....totally into vampires forever. I'm wrapping up the 7th book of the Sookie Stackhouse series and have already watched the entire first season of its TV adaptation called "True Blood". Keep in mind that this means I have read 3 Twilight books, 6 Sookie Stackhouse books and watched 12 episodes of "True Blood" since December. I knew that I would soon run out of vampire thrills, so naturally, it felt like time to move onto something new. I decided to check out a show called "Dexter". And now, I'm officially hooked. Hook, line, sinker. I watched 5 episodes the other night.
It's just like when you REALLY like music and that same damn CD stays in your player for weeks.
I wish that I was able to slow down. Take it easy. Enjoy little morsels over time. I'm afraid that will never be the case though.
And now I notice that my obsessions (interests) are becoming darker in nature.....which worries me. Zombies, vampires, and serial killers. I mean, seriously, what's next? I feel like I need to start at the opposite end of the spectrum. Watch out unicorns.....I'm coming for you.
Friday, January 16, 2009
Don't Miss Out on a Missed Connection
So those of you who know about Craigslist (and that should be everyone) may or may not be aware of this section called "Missed Connections". Well, it's just a perfect little gem of a place where people send out their messages of hope, love, and wishful thinking to people they have lost touch with or haven't even actually formally met yet.
Anway, shall I turn your attention to some of my favorite postings in Austin that I found this evening?
There's a good mix of everything in these postings--sadness, affection, regret, hope, humor, bitterness, and awkwardness.
I am drawn to the pure honesty that seeps from their words when allowed to post anonymously and secretly. It's a truly touching look into our basic needs to feel connected to others.
Bongo Drum Player
Looking for the man that tied me to the bed
I miss people I've never even met
Kevin who says I'm sorry on 6th
I'm still steeping
In need of a lent roller
You're making a mistake
We kissed, you farted
It's been so long since you've waved to me
You like "gardening" (NOTE: I am still pondering exactly what "gardening" might refer to)
A Eulogy for You
ass hole that stole HALF of my computer desk from my truck
And of course, there is always wishful thinking:
Monica
To M from J
to M
I am a deeply flawed man
Anway, shall I turn your attention to some of my favorite postings in Austin that I found this evening?
There's a good mix of everything in these postings--sadness, affection, regret, hope, humor, bitterness, and awkwardness.
I am drawn to the pure honesty that seeps from their words when allowed to post anonymously and secretly. It's a truly touching look into our basic needs to feel connected to others.
Bongo Drum Player
Looking for the man that tied me to the bed
I miss people I've never even met
Kevin who says I'm sorry on 6th
I'm still steeping
In need of a lent roller
You're making a mistake
We kissed, you farted
It's been so long since you've waved to me
You like "gardening" (NOTE: I am still pondering exactly what "gardening" might refer to)
A Eulogy for You
ass hole that stole HALF of my computer desk from my truck
And of course, there is always wishful thinking:
Monica
To M from J
to M
I am a deeply flawed man
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Projectile Vomitting is sooo not fun.
After spending this morning uncontrollably vomiting last night's meal, I have vowed the following:
1.) I will always have a spare bottle of Pepto in my medicine cabinet.
2.) I will form healthy eating habits so that if I do vomit, at least it will be fruits and vegetables instead of french fries and vinegar. I will take all of the necessary steps to rid myself of my fast food demons.
Goodbye Long John Silver's, Goodbye Whataburger, Goodbye Popeye's, Goodbye Wendy's......okay you get the idea.
1.) I will always have a spare bottle of Pepto in my medicine cabinet.
2.) I will form healthy eating habits so that if I do vomit, at least it will be fruits and vegetables instead of french fries and vinegar. I will take all of the necessary steps to rid myself of my fast food demons.
Goodbye Long John Silver's, Goodbye Whataburger, Goodbye Popeye's, Goodbye Wendy's......okay you get the idea.
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Public Display of Emotion
I feel like my heart is in my throat. And I REALLY don't want to choke on it.
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Thrill Austin Announcements, Video, and Pictures
Um, go here: www.thrilltheworldaustin.com
You gotta check this out. We broke the world record!
You gotta check this out. We broke the world record!
Friday, October 24, 2008
Day 4: Thurs., Oct. 23rd
Today was incredibly challenging.
I did experience one of my most pivotal "softer" moments today at work when 3 of my kids had their last day in my program. I was incredibly heartbroken about their leaving, worried about what was going to happen to them in the future as they experienced an ugly custody battle. My most tender, nurturing side prevailed today, even resulting in some private tears at my desk at the end of the day. I have never felt so much like a woman, a mother wanting desperately to provide love and protection, as I did today.
And then my social outing was with two of my best guy friends who proceeded to engage me in a conversation about balls. Granted they were the ones talking and I was simply listening, but I was an incredibly active listener ready to tell them all about the size of my private parts, until.....
I actually experienced THAT moment of drawing the line. Amazing. I have found some boundaries.
So my major reflection from today is the following: While I may lack some general feminine qualities like the ability to comfortably wear a dress, reserving my private thoughts, social grace and manners... I absolutely do not lack utmost care and concern for those in my life, a tenderness comparable to the best steak you ever ate, an ability to nurture with ease and care, and pleasure in connecting with others. And I draw the line at discussing what my lady parts look like.
So there. Take that "feminine experiment".
I did experience one of my most pivotal "softer" moments today at work when 3 of my kids had their last day in my program. I was incredibly heartbroken about their leaving, worried about what was going to happen to them in the future as they experienced an ugly custody battle. My most tender, nurturing side prevailed today, even resulting in some private tears at my desk at the end of the day. I have never felt so much like a woman, a mother wanting desperately to provide love and protection, as I did today.
And then my social outing was with two of my best guy friends who proceeded to engage me in a conversation about balls. Granted they were the ones talking and I was simply listening, but I was an incredibly active listener ready to tell them all about the size of my private parts, until.....
I actually experienced THAT moment of drawing the line. Amazing. I have found some boundaries.
So my major reflection from today is the following: While I may lack some general feminine qualities like the ability to comfortably wear a dress, reserving my private thoughts, social grace and manners... I absolutely do not lack utmost care and concern for those in my life, a tenderness comparable to the best steak you ever ate, an ability to nurture with ease and care, and pleasure in connecting with others. And I draw the line at discussing what my lady parts look like.
So there. Take that "feminine experiment".
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Day 3: Wed., Oct. 22nd
Oh man, what a day. Of course, I was strong throughout the work day. Got off from work at 7:30 and went to meet up with a good friend.
Then we ran into a bum, who was quite friendly...so I bought him a beer. Not the most ladylike thing to do, but nice (in a messed up way) nonetheless. As I was handing him the beer he actually referred to me as a nice lady. Doesn't that count for something?
Then we headed to Hole in the Wall, where I basically sat in silence while my friend and this bum talked about all kinds of dirty things. It took all I had not to join in on the conversation and my friend John knew this. The bum remarked on how quiet I was and John shared all kinds of details about how I am usually not like this AT ALL but am trying to be softer. He went to speak of my usual filthy and raunchy nature......it is actually alot of what my relationship with John is built upon. A sharing of mutual understanding.
The bum (Marvin) remarked, "You can't hide who you are. Why you gonna sit there and try to sugar coat it when you got a good thing going?"
And so, now that I have spent several hours drinking in quiet, I have had some time to reflect on my experience today. Being a lady can be quite B-O-R-I-N-G.
You're right Marvin, maybe I do have a good thing going for me. And I can't hide who I am.
Sometimes it takes running into a bum 3 times and 2 pitchers of beer to shed some light on the situation.
I am contemplating whether or not this experiment is worth continuing.....
Then we ran into a bum, who was quite friendly...so I bought him a beer. Not the most ladylike thing to do, but nice (in a messed up way) nonetheless. As I was handing him the beer he actually referred to me as a nice lady. Doesn't that count for something?
Then we headed to Hole in the Wall, where I basically sat in silence while my friend and this bum talked about all kinds of dirty things. It took all I had not to join in on the conversation and my friend John knew this. The bum remarked on how quiet I was and John shared all kinds of details about how I am usually not like this AT ALL but am trying to be softer. He went to speak of my usual filthy and raunchy nature......it is actually alot of what my relationship with John is built upon. A sharing of mutual understanding.
The bum (Marvin) remarked, "You can't hide who you are. Why you gonna sit there and try to sugar coat it when you got a good thing going?"
And so, now that I have spent several hours drinking in quiet, I have had some time to reflect on my experience today. Being a lady can be quite B-O-R-I-N-G.
You're right Marvin, maybe I do have a good thing going for me. And I can't hide who I am.
Sometimes it takes running into a bum 3 times and 2 pitchers of beer to shed some light on the situation.
I am contemplating whether or not this experiment is worth continuing.....
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