If the past few days are any indication of what 2011 has in store for me, I am pretty stoked. As I reflect on 2010, I am reminded that I learned some very important life lessons, particularly revolving around "letting go". Letting go of unhealthy friendships, letting go of unrequited love, letting go of grudges and anger, and letting go of over planning my life.
I am incredibly thankful to the past year for allowing me to experience some of the toughest challenges and treasured moments of my life.
So as I enter 2011 and experience the last year of my 20s, these are the goals I have set for myself:
1.) Have my credit card and car debt paid off by my 30th birthday.
2.) Volunteer for a good cause.
3.) Travel to 3 new places outside of Austin.
4.) Participate in a "fun" or "educational" class.
5.) Create a "collection" of self-expression: a book, CD, video, etc.
I am sooo looking forward to this year! What about you??
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Things I Have Learned This Month..
1.) I want to be a "page turner". I want to learn how to share appropriately and in measured doses so that I am not giving away all the characters, plot and settings too soon. This, in turn, will make me more excited to live my life more spontaneously, less concerned about having it all figured out.
2.) I do not need to "sell" myself. It sounded so harsh when my counselor first helped me realize this character trait about myself. But the truest things are often the hardest to hear. And she hit the nail on the head with that one. Why do I try so hard to show people how cool I am instead of just BEING completely relaxed in expressing myself in the moment and not being so concerned with what they think of me? It's a form of aggressive expression in a way. "Here....I want you to know ALL about me RIGHT NOW...so you can see all of these wonderful qualities about me and why you should date/befriend/buy me a drink!"
3.) I CAN flirt! Whew...what a relief. I thought I was a goner on that one...
4.) My professional career is calling me to great responsibility and action. There are amazing leadership opportunities in the horizon and I need to strongly consider and define my role as a leader in the youth development field. Again, I need to evaluate my own personal agenda/goal/judgments of myself versus the greater good of the afterschool community and my peers. This is a pivotal, exciting, courageous and truth-seeking time in my career.
5.) I have found the meaning of "calm". It has taken shape in many wonderful forms this month---listening to records on my friend's couch, writing out positive life affirmations, ignoring phone calls and messages, regular massages....I cannot tell you how long it has been since I was comfortable and capable of enjoying moments of solitude, silence, or meditation. I am creating a balance in my life between all of the super exciting fun things I like to do and the recharging, relaxing, introspective moments I need to re-energize. It's a breakthrough really.....me staying at home more, letting go of trying to juggle a ridiculous amount of friendships, sitting with myself and really focusing on making myself peaceful and healthy.
Just around the corner from my 29th birthday....I feel like I am in an incredibly exciting place in my life. The best I have been ever. I look forward to continued growth, development, and FUN as I near 30. Wow, I just never imagined that I could be where I am right now. :)
2.) I do not need to "sell" myself. It sounded so harsh when my counselor first helped me realize this character trait about myself. But the truest things are often the hardest to hear. And she hit the nail on the head with that one. Why do I try so hard to show people how cool I am instead of just BEING completely relaxed in expressing myself in the moment and not being so concerned with what they think of me? It's a form of aggressive expression in a way. "Here....I want you to know ALL about me RIGHT NOW...so you can see all of these wonderful qualities about me and why you should date/befriend/buy me a drink!"
3.) I CAN flirt! Whew...what a relief. I thought I was a goner on that one...
4.) My professional career is calling me to great responsibility and action. There are amazing leadership opportunities in the horizon and I need to strongly consider and define my role as a leader in the youth development field. Again, I need to evaluate my own personal agenda/goal/judgments of myself versus the greater good of the afterschool community and my peers. This is a pivotal, exciting, courageous and truth-seeking time in my career.
5.) I have found the meaning of "calm". It has taken shape in many wonderful forms this month---listening to records on my friend's couch, writing out positive life affirmations, ignoring phone calls and messages, regular massages....I cannot tell you how long it has been since I was comfortable and capable of enjoying moments of solitude, silence, or meditation. I am creating a balance in my life between all of the super exciting fun things I like to do and the recharging, relaxing, introspective moments I need to re-energize. It's a breakthrough really.....me staying at home more, letting go of trying to juggle a ridiculous amount of friendships, sitting with myself and really focusing on making myself peaceful and healthy.
Just around the corner from my 29th birthday....I feel like I am in an incredibly exciting place in my life. The best I have been ever. I look forward to continued growth, development, and FUN as I near 30. Wow, I just never imagined that I could be where I am right now. :)
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Mixed Tape
I searched for you everywhere
In boxes on the highest shelves
I stood on a chair with wheels
Making little jumps, hands
Reached out to pull you down
And those boxes,
I tore violently at the edges
Ripping up perfectly taped seals
I never thought I would break
Again
Sixteenth birthday party
Turning, turning, turning
In my mind
I wanted nothing more than to listen to
your specific sequence of songs
To read that handwritten label
Listing a carefully planned process
That someone (I) went through to make you
To make you so awesome
And as I quickly cut the tape
Flung the cardboard flaps open,
I figuratively crossed my fingers that you
Would be there Waiting for me--
Songs of so called friends-
First cigarette behind 7-11
Stoners looking through dirty magazines
while they are assured me
That smoking is cool
Songs of first loves-
Snow on the balcony
When he kissed me,
With a salivating tongue
And a gentle hand in my hair
Songs from akward dances-
Fairly certainly feeling boners
On my upper thigh as I danced with guys
,blushing at the thought of
What we would all look like naked
Musical metaphor and melodic angst,
when I find you, I will finally be able
To let go,
Let everything go.
In boxes on the highest shelves
I stood on a chair with wheels
Making little jumps, hands
Reached out to pull you down
And those boxes,
I tore violently at the edges
Ripping up perfectly taped seals
I never thought I would break
Again
Sixteenth birthday party
Turning, turning, turning
In my mind
I wanted nothing more than to listen to
your specific sequence of songs
To read that handwritten label
Listing a carefully planned process
That someone (I) went through to make you
To make you so awesome
And as I quickly cut the tape
Flung the cardboard flaps open,
I figuratively crossed my fingers that you
Would be there Waiting for me--
Songs of so called friends-
First cigarette behind 7-11
Stoners looking through dirty magazines
while they are assured me
That smoking is cool
Songs of first loves-
Snow on the balcony
When he kissed me,
With a salivating tongue
And a gentle hand in my hair
Songs from akward dances-
Fairly certainly feeling boners
On my upper thigh as I danced with guys
,blushing at the thought of
What we would all look like naked
Musical metaphor and melodic angst,
when I find you, I will finally be able
To let go,
Let everything go.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Secrets
Sometimes I try really hard to post about thoughts and experiences that are more raw, but I am afraid to expose people and secrets. The strange thing is that this is MY blog and while I am well aware that I should use it as I like, I still cannot bring myself to write about a few of the things that are most on my mind. I worry about the unfortunate event of people visiting my page to find themselves exposed as well because it would still be obvious, even if I tried to cleverly rename them. Not to mention the fact that it exposes me...and well, while I may be quite the open book, there are still things that are very challenging for me to share. And so for now, they stay inside. But know that I am working towards sharing them proudly and openly one day soon.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Swede vs. Non-Swede: How We Roll
This month, one of my favorite people came to visit Austin for the month. Her name is Sarah and she was the first Swedish person I ever met. Sarah has taught me alot about Sweden--everything from the crazy crap they eat to their governing system. She has a magnetic quality about her, something that intrigues everyone. I find all of my friends immediately engaged in asking her about her life. It's as if they never knew that Swedish people existed! I LOVE listening to her tell stories--funny, outrageous, enlightening, and empowering.
Therefore, I came up with this wonderful idea for an advice/opinion blog called "Swede vs. Non-Swede".
You see, even though Sarah and I have a pretty amazing friendship, we also have our own unique perspective on things, often influenced by our cultural and regional upbringing. Sometimes she is dumbfounded by the way that "Americans" live and act and likewise, I was surprised to find out that she doesn't have a movie theater in her "willage" (village, but that's how she says it) and the last time she went to see a movie was over a year ago. See.....we live our separate lives, have our own experiences and influences, and enjoy sharing these with each other and the world.
I asked my Facebook community to ask questions, advice and propose topics for discussion. We had a great response and so we will be breaking up our conversations into separate blog posts.
Without further ado, here is the first installment!
HOW WE ROLL: Personalities & Lifestyle
Question: Do you believe a person's name has any effect on their personality?
Sarah: Not at all. A name is just a name. It's something your parents gave to you. Of course it depends on how strong of an identity you have. If you're kind of shy and having a hard time socializing with people, then I feel like people begin to associate your name with you. So no, I feel that a name is just a name. I love the Indian names. "Sarah, the Girl with the blonde hair who is here to cheer us up"...if that was my name, then yeah..but I'm just (wanders off in thought)....cause I mean like 150-200 years ago in Sweden, it would still be that you got your parents name, you know? So it was also a kind of identity marker back then when there was so few people. But today, a name doesn't say anything.
Monica: Well, I do find it interesting that I can have strong reactions to people's names and sometimes find myself judging them based on other people's personalities with that name. For example, I tend to hate Johns because most of the Johns I know are egotistical alpha males...and maybe a guy named also terribly broke my heart a few years back, so I kind of shy away from hanging out with Johns. Here's what I think: People form strong attachments to names of people who were significant in their lives. So it's not that a person's name influences their own personality, but rather, the people they know influence their perception of them. I feel like I am trying to communicate this while I am on drugs. Hope you are staying with me on this one.....You know what would be unfortunate? If you had a really kick-ass name like Sunbeam but you were actually a huge ass.
Question: Do you like peanut butter and jelly sandwiches?
Sarah: I do, but it's just that we don't eat that much peanut butter, so for me peanut butter is this thing that is just taking over your mouth. But with the jam, it just goes down, so with the sweetness of the jam, it makes the peanut butter eatable. I do love peanut butter, but not by myself. It's "gum glued" food. Like some special kind of wines are "gum glued" wines. You know that feeling?
Monica: I feel so unAmerican for saying this, but I do not like peanut butter and jelly sandwiches that much at all. I feel like I spend way too long trying to get the peanut butter down my throat and the smacking sound that it makes really bothers me. HOWEVER, I would be more enthusiastic about eating a sandwich that has the crunchy peanut butter because I do enjoy whole nuts.
Question: What does rock music sound like in Sweden?
Sarah: Can I just paste a link to a Metallica song played from a Swedish computer? That must be Swedish rock music. Hahahaha. Here are some music groups you should listen to: Hellacopters, Moneybrother, and of course, the Hives. That is Swedish rock. Swedish rock sounds alot..it's just got this cool rock sound. Swedish music sounds COOOOOL, okay?
Monica: An ex-boyfriend of mine introduced me to a band called "The Sounds" years back and I really dug them. Then I met Sarah and she informed me that they are in fact, a Swedish band. Soooo...."I really like this rock band" + "This band is Swedish"="I really like this Swedish rock band". Therefore, Swedish rock (the very little I know about it) is pretty cool. In fact, we've posted some Swedish rock for your listening pleasure! Just like American rock, there are many genres and sounds across the spectrum, but here is a diverse sampling.
Hellacopters:"I'm in the Band"
The Sounds: "Painted by Numbers"
Moneybrother: "It's Been Hurting all the Way with you Joanna"
Oh and let's not forget THESE AWESOME SWEDISH ROCKERS..
Roxette: "The Look"
Okay, that's it for this time. Check back soon for the next installment of Swede vs. Non-Swede.
Therefore, I came up with this wonderful idea for an advice/opinion blog called "Swede vs. Non-Swede".
You see, even though Sarah and I have a pretty amazing friendship, we also have our own unique perspective on things, often influenced by our cultural and regional upbringing. Sometimes she is dumbfounded by the way that "Americans" live and act and likewise, I was surprised to find out that she doesn't have a movie theater in her "willage" (village, but that's how she says it) and the last time she went to see a movie was over a year ago. See.....we live our separate lives, have our own experiences and influences, and enjoy sharing these with each other and the world.
I asked my Facebook community to ask questions, advice and propose topics for discussion. We had a great response and so we will be breaking up our conversations into separate blog posts.
Without further ado, here is the first installment!
HOW WE ROLL: Personalities & Lifestyle
Question: Do you believe a person's name has any effect on their personality?
Sarah: Not at all. A name is just a name. It's something your parents gave to you. Of course it depends on how strong of an identity you have. If you're kind of shy and having a hard time socializing with people, then I feel like people begin to associate your name with you. So no, I feel that a name is just a name. I love the Indian names. "Sarah, the Girl with the blonde hair who is here to cheer us up"...if that was my name, then yeah..but I'm just (wanders off in thought)....cause I mean like 150-200 years ago in Sweden, it would still be that you got your parents name, you know? So it was also a kind of identity marker back then when there was so few people. But today, a name doesn't say anything.
Monica: Well, I do find it interesting that I can have strong reactions to people's names and sometimes find myself judging them based on other people's personalities with that name. For example, I tend to hate Johns because most of the Johns I know are egotistical alpha males...and maybe a guy named also terribly broke my heart a few years back, so I kind of shy away from hanging out with Johns. Here's what I think: People form strong attachments to names of people who were significant in their lives. So it's not that a person's name influences their own personality, but rather, the people they know influence their perception of them. I feel like I am trying to communicate this while I am on drugs. Hope you are staying with me on this one.....You know what would be unfortunate? If you had a really kick-ass name like Sunbeam but you were actually a huge ass.
Question: Do you like peanut butter and jelly sandwiches?
Sarah: I do, but it's just that we don't eat that much peanut butter, so for me peanut butter is this thing that is just taking over your mouth. But with the jam, it just goes down, so with the sweetness of the jam, it makes the peanut butter eatable. I do love peanut butter, but not by myself. It's "gum glued" food. Like some special kind of wines are "gum glued" wines. You know that feeling?
Monica: I feel so unAmerican for saying this, but I do not like peanut butter and jelly sandwiches that much at all. I feel like I spend way too long trying to get the peanut butter down my throat and the smacking sound that it makes really bothers me. HOWEVER, I would be more enthusiastic about eating a sandwich that has the crunchy peanut butter because I do enjoy whole nuts.
Question: What does rock music sound like in Sweden?
Sarah: Can I just paste a link to a Metallica song played from a Swedish computer? That must be Swedish rock music. Hahahaha. Here are some music groups you should listen to: Hellacopters, Moneybrother, and of course, the Hives. That is Swedish rock. Swedish rock sounds alot..it's just got this cool rock sound. Swedish music sounds COOOOOL, okay?
Monica: An ex-boyfriend of mine introduced me to a band called "The Sounds" years back and I really dug them. Then I met Sarah and she informed me that they are in fact, a Swedish band. Soooo...."I really like this rock band" + "This band is Swedish"="I really like this Swedish rock band". Therefore, Swedish rock (the very little I know about it) is pretty cool. In fact, we've posted some Swedish rock for your listening pleasure! Just like American rock, there are many genres and sounds across the spectrum, but here is a diverse sampling.
Hellacopters:"I'm in the Band"
The Sounds: "Painted by Numbers"
Moneybrother: "It's Been Hurting all the Way with you Joanna"
Oh and let's not forget THESE AWESOME SWEDISH ROCKERS..
Roxette: "The Look"
Okay, that's it for this time. Check back soon for the next installment of Swede vs. Non-Swede.
Monday, October 18, 2010
I'm Sitting Pretty
I am here to share with you all what has undoubtedly been the best month of my life all year....possibly years. If you've been around me lately, you may even have had the urge to gag a little with my incessant purring over how awesome my life is right now...and is continuing to be.
I was lying here on my bed tonight, listening to some of my favorite music, reflecting on how hard I have worked to get myself and my life to this place of abundance and fulfillment. I have always thought of myself as a fortunate and happy person, optimistic about life's adventure. And I know that even when everything seems to be perfect, it is not about obtaining perfectionism...it is about truth seeking, personal growth and development, and the pursuit of passion, knowledge and experience.
So what is all this mumbo jumbo about exactly?
First of all, it starts with a job promotion. Last month I became the Director of Education for Heart House. Hopefully, you know that I have been working there for over 5 years now and I have a true passion for the work that I do to impact the lives of the youth in our afterschool and summer programs. I really hope you all know how much my work means to me. If you don't, you will learn soon enough that it is paramount to who I am as a person--what motivates me, what excites me, what fulfills me. So earlier this year, our Founder offers me the amazing opportunity to create a NEW job for myself....and the Director of Education was born. Not only did I receive the opportunity to write my own job description and performance plan, but I also received a very generous salary increase. Oh, and did I mention that I work from home now? Yeah....so as you can see, my new job began to open many new doors for me.
The first door it opened was time at home. OMG, I have ALL this time now to work and do other things. I cannot express to you how awesome it is to be able to do laundry while working, or to be able to take my dog Jack on regular walks in between working sessions. Or how I can make a healthier lunch for myself and savor my food, instead of scarfing down Whataburger in 20 minutes to make it back to work on time. I actually have TIME. Sweet, productive, uninterrupted time. I feel like I will be able to accomplish so much more, feel balanced, rested, calm. Can you imagine....CALM??
And I hate to say it buuuuttt......I have boatloads of money now! I just can't believe that I am going to be financially well off for a long while. And as much as money can be the root of all evil, um, it can also provide many much needed opportunities.....like getting out of debt, a mental health and well being plan, a bicycle, nice new professional work clothes, a trip to NYC to see my brothers.....and so on and so forth. Don't worry, I won't squander it all....because what I am most excited for with my new found financial security is the creation of a substantial savings account! That's right...I'm 29 and will finally have a savings account with a balance of more than $20.
And I've made some major breakthroughs in my counseling sessions regarding my working and personal relationships. I've finally let go of the people and personal habits that are preventing me from pursuing healthy, mutually respectful and loving relationships. I feel completely capable of setting boundaries with others, communicating honestly, and sharing my thoughts and feelings. I FINALLY understand and can apply healthy dating habits that do not involve hiding feelings, masking intentions, giving without receiving, and settling for mediocre. I am happy to report that I can successfully flirt now! I feel like I just put on a new pair of glasses and can see my life and personal relationships in a completely new, fresh and exciting way!
Amidst of all these goings on, I have learned some AMAZING things about myself.
I have learned what it feels like to find the calm in my life.
I have learned to sit and listen to music and contemplate.
I have learned how to have a healthier lifestyle.
I have learned how to have a better bond with my dog.
I have learned how to let go.
I have learned to say "No".
I have learned to truly love myself.
I have learned how to dress better.
I have learned how to ride a bicycle.
I am incredibly grateful for this feeling of abundance that has washed over me. I cannot wait for the rest of what this "newness" will bring!
I was lying here on my bed tonight, listening to some of my favorite music, reflecting on how hard I have worked to get myself and my life to this place of abundance and fulfillment. I have always thought of myself as a fortunate and happy person, optimistic about life's adventure. And I know that even when everything seems to be perfect, it is not about obtaining perfectionism...it is about truth seeking, personal growth and development, and the pursuit of passion, knowledge and experience.
So what is all this mumbo jumbo about exactly?
First of all, it starts with a job promotion. Last month I became the Director of Education for Heart House. Hopefully, you know that I have been working there for over 5 years now and I have a true passion for the work that I do to impact the lives of the youth in our afterschool and summer programs. I really hope you all know how much my work means to me. If you don't, you will learn soon enough that it is paramount to who I am as a person--what motivates me, what excites me, what fulfills me. So earlier this year, our Founder offers me the amazing opportunity to create a NEW job for myself....and the Director of Education was born. Not only did I receive the opportunity to write my own job description and performance plan, but I also received a very generous salary increase. Oh, and did I mention that I work from home now? Yeah....so as you can see, my new job began to open many new doors for me.
The first door it opened was time at home. OMG, I have ALL this time now to work and do other things. I cannot express to you how awesome it is to be able to do laundry while working, or to be able to take my dog Jack on regular walks in between working sessions. Or how I can make a healthier lunch for myself and savor my food, instead of scarfing down Whataburger in 20 minutes to make it back to work on time. I actually have TIME. Sweet, productive, uninterrupted time. I feel like I will be able to accomplish so much more, feel balanced, rested, calm. Can you imagine....CALM??
And I hate to say it buuuuttt......I have boatloads of money now! I just can't believe that I am going to be financially well off for a long while. And as much as money can be the root of all evil, um, it can also provide many much needed opportunities.....like getting out of debt, a mental health and well being plan, a bicycle, nice new professional work clothes, a trip to NYC to see my brothers.....and so on and so forth. Don't worry, I won't squander it all....because what I am most excited for with my new found financial security is the creation of a substantial savings account! That's right...I'm 29 and will finally have a savings account with a balance of more than $20.
And I've made some major breakthroughs in my counseling sessions regarding my working and personal relationships. I've finally let go of the people and personal habits that are preventing me from pursuing healthy, mutually respectful and loving relationships. I feel completely capable of setting boundaries with others, communicating honestly, and sharing my thoughts and feelings. I FINALLY understand and can apply healthy dating habits that do not involve hiding feelings, masking intentions, giving without receiving, and settling for mediocre. I am happy to report that I can successfully flirt now! I feel like I just put on a new pair of glasses and can see my life and personal relationships in a completely new, fresh and exciting way!
Amidst of all these goings on, I have learned some AMAZING things about myself.
I have learned what it feels like to find the calm in my life.
I have learned to sit and listen to music and contemplate.
I have learned how to have a healthier lifestyle.
I have learned how to have a better bond with my dog.
I have learned how to let go.
I have learned to say "No".
I have learned to truly love myself.
I have learned how to dress better.
I have learned how to ride a bicycle.
I am incredibly grateful for this feeling of abundance that has washed over me. I cannot wait for the rest of what this "newness" will bring!
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